Dear 2011,

WHY ARE YOU DUMPING ME?!

OK.

So usually I’m the one who does the breaking up. I’m the dumper, not the dumpee. But seriously, I’m really kind of annoyed that our time together is over and were it my choice, it wouldn’t end. Ever.

Because this year, you have been incredible to me.

It wasn’t magnificent in terms of major adventures of mischief, travel, or momentous milestones.  Though we’ve had a few of those.

But in the nearly seamless stitching of millions of happy moments.

I am happy. I’ve been happy this year.  I’ve been stressfree, drama-free, healthy, loved, loving, calm, and happy this year.

I feel a little like I’ve never had that before.  I mean. Without worrying about the other shoe dropkicking me in the head.

This year my anxieties and issues dissolved like fog and I was like my children, carefree and happy–enrapt in a moment, and secure in knowing that real happiness is as easy as balancing a spoon on a slightly shiny nose.

I’m so grateful that we were able to share in the celebrations of friends this year with weddings, new children, career milestones, life goal achievements, etc.  The support and love from close family and friends has made this year so much richer.  And I hope I’ve done enough to show support, in kind, to a lot of my close friends going through major transitions and challenges this past year – with moves, careers, financial concerns, health issues, etc.  If I haven’t, I hope to be better next year.

I’m earnestly appreciative that my husband loves me so much that he’ll forgive me when I accidentally wedgie him at 4 in the morning and that he’ll call me from wherever in the world he’s traveling. Jason’s traveled nearly 300K miles this past year and aside from our home and the grocery store, I drove to and from SFO more than I’d care to acknowledge.

I’m ecstatic that my daughter Amelia was good natured and sweet this year and relatively sniffle free.  While pregnant I was able to lie in bed and snuggle her, hold on to her foot while I napped and she occupied herself on the ipad or book.  She’s a good kid and a source of daily sunshine for me.  She’s also proven to be an extraordinarily good natured big sister.

I’m in love with my new daughter Isabelle who I’ve dreamed happy thoughts for nearly all year long, who sleeps on my chest now, snuggly, as I type this.  She is in fantastic health and I’m so glad that her coming into the world and my pregnancy was as smooth and uneventful as one can hope for from a planned c-section.

Nearly every day there are beautiful little happy moments that warm my soul. Isabelle sighing and smiling contentedly in her sleep on my chest. Amelia quacking like a duck while her father has her wrapped up in a towel after a bath.  Amelia kissing Isabelle on the head and saying “Don’t worry Baby. Baby’s cute. I looooove you. Amelia’s here.”  The moment of realizing that I’m the only one awake and the gentle snores of baby, toddler, and husband all in bed together is the most blessed lullabye I could ever hope for.

So again, 2011, must we really break up?

2012 has very large shoes to fill.  Being this happy is all I’ve ever wanted.

Love,

Min Jung

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So much to do, and so much to feel energetic and enthusiastic about.  And tons of personal projects that I’m eager to move forward with and get off the ground.

Hattip to Mr. Jason Toney who wrote up a very inspiring post re: his own personal plans for the year.  My projects will feel less ambitious but the spirit by which I will process them is hopefully the same.

On Mothering:

I hope to continue to be the best mother possible for Amelia and to provide as much support and opportunity for the child as she continues to develop and grow.

• Ensuring that she has positive relationships with her family (plenty of FaceTime with the grandparents) and visits where possible.  My father has yet to meet Amelia and this will hopefully be rectified by Q1 of this year.
• Regular physical activity at parks, museums, and at home.
• Mindful meals and diet management (and making sure she doesn’t get finicky or bored)
• Consistant visits with Doctors for checkups.
• Exposure to a wide community of her peers via play groups and play dates. I have been very resistant of playgroups or Mommy’s groups because I didn’t like the idea of trying to be friends with people whom I wouldn’t be friends with if we didn’t have baby’s spring forth from our vaginas at the same time, but … Amelia needs a posse and more friends and who knows, I can probably learn a few things from the other Moms & Dads too.
• FINALLY GETTING HER BAPTIZED. (Goal is by Q2.  Thanks to Matt & Anja who have agreed to be the God Parents.)

On Operational Management of the House & Finances

• Hubbycakes not only brings home the bacon but manages it well.
• Our goal is reduce all debts to $0 by end of the year, those on record and off.
• Additionally we’ll be monitoring our credit scores to make sure that everything is accurate and reflects our intentions to be in better position for 2012 and future home ownership among other things.
• Additionally, no new major operational expenses (No new car purchases or moves planned. Even if we have another kid this year there should not be any *shock* expenses)
• No frivolous purchases  (Sadly, the llama we ordered had to be returned. Which is a bummer, because Amelia would have looked so cute riding it.  Ditto on the jet-ski. )
• To start with charitable giving programs that do our hearts and community good.  DonorsChoose for the win.
• Using up what we have and not cluttering our home up.   This project includes, of all things, a dumb audit of how many bottles of lotion, various scrubs, and dental floss that I have and actually trying to use them up this year. The volume of lotions and moisturizers I have takes up way more bathroom space than it should. And that’s catastrophically dumb.  As an aside, I’d like to remind all the ladies that they should do a cosmetic audit twice a year (January and June are good times to do it and easy to remember) to chuck out everything old and gnarly.  Here’s a great guide for what needs chucking in your purse and bathroom medicine cabinet.  One should also do an inventory of condiments in your fridge and medicines in your bathroom. Toss out everything expired and jot down what needs restocking.  This exercise is telling me that in general I need to either a) not buy some things or b) buy the smaller quantities because I’m clearly not using the items up.
• Home cleanliness.  (I’m not the best housewife, but I can hire folks. Project done.)

Mind/Body Maintenance

• Regular checkups to the Doctor & Dentist (Something I’ve neglected since being done with the pregnancy)
• Project MILF – The goal is to drop another 15-20 lbs and to schedule regular exercise time for myself.  I’ve been spotty on this over the last year but now that Jason and I are in the groove with managing to Amelia and her sleep schedule I’m a little more confident that I can pick up and stick to a regular plan.  Previously I’d gotten to about week 4 of C25K.  I’m starting over from scratch again and finished Week1,Day1 this evening.  I’m also using LoseIt Iphone app which has been very helpful in keeping me mindful of my eating and sometimes overeating.  Hubbycake’s also gotten me a pair of Kettle Bells.  I do not know how well I’ll do with those and his attempts to get me to do some Spartan Workout but maybe by the end of the summer I’ll be able to do a proper chin-up.  I can’t let the kid beat me.

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• It’s also my goal to be a little more mentally rigorous with myself over the next year.  This includes reading more books and writing again more regularly.  In the case of uber meta – this blogpost for instance, gawddamn this is a long ass blogpost and I haven’t done that in *ages*.  Kindle App for the win and perhaps, if I’m able, to dust off my SF Public Library card.  Use your local library, folks. It’s a good thing. And I have fond memories of my parents taking me there every week as a kid to pick up books to read.  I’d devour 5-7 books a week.  I’m making a modest goal of 26 Books/year.  (1 every 2 weeks). Because, after all, with a kid, there really aren’t as many free hours to read as one would hope for.

On Relationships

• Hubbycakes and I are on year 3 of our marriage and we’ve both committed to trying to be more mindful and thoughtful to each other over the new year.  I am actually very appreciative of the conversations we’ve had of late where we both agreed to try and be more open and kind with each other.  This means discussing things constructively and not throwing laptops at each other’s heads.  Ah, progress. Baby steps. Baby steps.
• Stronger relationships and communication with family! (More facetime!)
• I’m also committed to not losing touch with friends near and far just because I’ve become “that old married lady with a kid” and the last decade of my life involved cementing friendships over shots or karaoke. So, ok, I’m not able to go out a lot of evenings. There’s alternatives and I’m going to make more effort to create and commit to those.
• Being a better friend with real connections and conversations with those that I hold dear.  That means more phone calls vs. mini messages in tweets or lame “likes” commentaries on Facebook.  I mean it’s nice that I can gloss over what * you * say is going on in your life with your public persona, but I’d still like to talk to you in person more.
• CampCamp 2011. It will happen. I promise.

On Miscellania

• Rosetta Stone ordered. I’m going to really start working on my Korean this year.  The kid’s been watching this show for a while and we’ve both picked up a few phrases.  But saying “FART” in Korean repeatedly is rather limiting in conversation.
• I’m also planning on being a better cook this year.  I’m pretty decent for large occasions but I’ve been lousy at the day-to-day cooking and Helen Jane is kind of my hero and inspiration to get off my tuckus to be better about that. Also my hero is another woman with HJ initials. That’s right, you Haejung. You rock. You’re super Pro-Mom and I’m super glad that we reconnected after all these years.
• Gardening is something I’ve always wanted to get into but felt daunted with where to start.  After Hubbycakes went shopping with the kid to Trader Joe’s last week and the child insisted on hugging the potted plant of herbs, I think it’s a sign to start up.  Plus I’ll be able to blog about my deadly un-green thumb at some point just like Derek.

There’s more stuff noodling on in my brain but this is long enough for now.

New blogpost soon. <3

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Dear 2010,

I must confess that it’s rather hard to part ways with you. We’ve had a good year together.

You’ve been kind to me.

We’ve shared rich moments of great joy, laughter, and love.

In fact, it’s hard for me to even write this break up love note to you because this year’s been the first in a very long time where I started to feel comfortable again in my skin.  I  mean, I know I’m 36 now and by now should be over this navel gazing self discovery and analysis process, but it seems like I never am.  And this year you’ve been with me through it all.  It’s been a year of adjustment for me, and one of supporting tremendous milestones for those I hold dear.

It’s been reassuring and renewing being a part of  lifelong love commitments this year.  I love weddings. A lot. And it was so joyful to see good friends Kevin & Coley and Cindy & Matt get married and to cheer on the engagements of great friends including Annie & Christian and April & Cameron.  There were many other joyful unions this year.

And new children too!  A & H welcomed Nico into the world.  B & A welcomed lovely Ciara. K & A welcomed a sweetie as well. My friend Ritchie (Who I miss and haven’t seen in years!) has a glorious little girl with a impressive name.  I mean, really.  Amelia’s enjoyed plenty of play dates with children of dear friends and developed a penchant for hugging anyone within arms reach when she can.

My friend John M. once told me that having children around makes you young again.  I believe it to be true because I’ve rediscovered little joys in holding hands, going on the swings and slides, and clapping your feet against each other as delightful treats that deserve more attention and credit in their soul restorative qualities.  Seriously, go take a moment to roll on your back and clap your feet against each other.

I’ll wait.  Fun, isn’t it?

Amelia has been such a tremendous source of delight this year for J. and I.  She’s now 19 months old and full of energy.  She gives me a morning kiss and sings herself to sleep at night.  When hugging she’ll rest her head on your shoulder and pat you gently.  She wants to clink glasses with you and say “Cheers” every chance she gets.  When going down the slide by herself she’ll do a victory lap around the playground afterwards.  She walks, runs, jumps, kicks, claps, and hugs.

Her vocabulary and expressions include but are not limited to:

• Cheers
• Hi
• Bye
• Hello
• Dog
• Cat
• Fish
• *moooowah*
• Bump
• Jump
• Kick
• Oh No
• Uh Oh
• No No No
• Yes
• Baby
• Shoes
• Clue
• Wow
• ? (Foot)
• ?? (Shoes)
• ?? (Hi)
• ? ? (Sleep well)

There’s many more phrases and expressions that she has but that’s all that come to mind at the moment.  She’s full of win.

Speaking of victory!  How excited am I to have cheered my friend Jane on to win her seat as District 6 Supervisor.  And see that my friend Tim has his book rocking the NY Times best seller list! And my friend’s Sergio & Mike and others have their companies succeed and be acquired! Mega woots and high fives all around.

But life isn’t all magical double rainbows. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

It’s also been a rough year in losses.  Several of my close friends have lost loved ones over this past year and it’s been a raw and mournful period.  Please know, that despite my failure to call or comfort as much as I’d have liked, my thoughts and prayers have been with you and my intentions have been there on your behalf.

It is not my intention to be distruthful. Especially to myself and to you, dear 2010.  But I’ve been grateful for the opportunities that you’ve given me to reconcile with those that I’ve had a rocky past with in 2009.  Most of those reconciliations have been very successful and I’m honestly very thankful to have these folks back in my life.   You and I both know, 2010, that time is too short to not have the folks you love near to you.

Adjustments. And supporting and reconnecting with loved ones. Reaffirming those relationships.  Yes, these have been the overarching themes for our relationship.  All good things, to be sure.  All values that I’ll take with me as I move on with the new year, 2011 who has already promised to be good to me.

Thanks for everything.

With love,

MJ

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Dear 2009,

I was thinking today about my friend Audrey. Someone whom I haven’t seen in years.  A great gal. Beautiful voice, fun spirit.

She moved to NYC a few years back and when we met up for dinner she described the city in this way.

“It’s kind of like the boyfriend that is lame and forgets your birthday and occasionally pukes on your doorstep and maybe hits you in a fit. But then there’s that one day when he brings you flowers out of the blue and it feels like everything is just magic again.”

I wouldn’t describe you, dear 2009, quite like that.  But I would say that we had a lot more times of stress and distress together than we had moments of magic and wonder.

Let’s talk first about transitions.

There’s been so much transition for me this past year.  It has been unsettling and you know me, I like stability, order, some level of certainty.  There’s been so little of that for me this year.  Shuttling back and forth from Seattle to San Francisco for doctors appointments and the move back.  Doing that while pregnant and increasingly uncomfortable during the first part of this year was unraveling.  Doing it while feeling emotionally isolated while physically unweidly – that much harder.

The identity transition was more difficult than I care to admit.  And the struggle with conceding that work options for me were nil as a pregnant woman in transition from one city to another was abysmal.  And then on to motherhood & housewife?  Weird. And something I still don’t feel comfortable with.  I was able to do some great work to support some friends projects but were awesome still, in a consultant roll, but it still felt oddly awkward and uncomfortable for me.  I love Amelia with all my heart and I embrace my relationship with her as her mother. But being a professional Mother seems … well, just not quite me.

Like I wasn’t in my own skin or pretending to be someone else.  I felt that way a lot this year.

But we survived the transitions and made it back to the bay area, settled into a small home and slowly made it home-ish though after several months here it still doesn’t quite feel like home.

There was the car aggro. Never so much in a single year have I hated my car so much.   Broken taillight. Cracked windshield. Bad wipers. Saturn going out of business and the nearest service center being a 2.5 hour drive away. Being pulled over for expired car registration due to mail forwarding snafu’s from all the moving around and having to wait in line for 2 hours on my feet while holding the baby at the court house was an experience that I never ever want to experience again. Ever.

There was the physical exhaustion.  Pregnant to the birth to the sleep exhaustion to the general feeling that I’m not as physically resilient as I’ve been when I was younger. Oh 2009, you made me feel my age.

And relationship stress.  I hate the fact that I’ve had relationships with important people in my life become strained and cracked. And there’s this sense that I have no tools or abilities to fix them. I hope that changes. I need that to change. It breaks my heart and brings me to tears every time I think about it. And I know admitting that outloud makes it sound melodramatic or postpartum hormonal but it’s true. There are some relationships, that the absense of, has made my heart hurt.

And while it’s great to be back in the bay area and have good friends nearer than far – the dynamic is notably different. Those friends that are unencumbered by children are free and out at bars and concerts and parties and mischief.  I’m able to make an apearance on a rare occasion but a lot of the dynamics are different.

But there has been magic.

Amelia is pure magic.  At the cusp of 2010 she is 7 and a half months old. Sitting up by herself, smiling at the drop of a dime. Giggling at Peek-A-Boo. Standing while supporting herself at her play table. Starting on solid foods and sleeping a solid 9 hours a night now.  She is pretty and personable and giggly and good.  She. Is. Pure. Magic.  And I love her with all my heart in a way that I cannot begin to describe or explain to someone else who is not a parent.  This, my most precious cargo that I have angsted and worried over during 9 monthts of gestatiion to birth and to change after daily and hourly change after change (and I’m not just talking stinky diapers).  She is magical.

So, 2009. I thank you for her.  Thank you so much for her.

She was the grain of sand of hope that the entire world of Fantasia can be made from.

(Yes – Nerd 80s movie reference. Do you get it?).

So 2009. Our time is done.  Looking forward to a more magical 2010.

Yours,

Min Jung

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When in actuality I’ve managed to  pull that off in photos but very little in prose.

I guess I still feel a little weird transitioning from talking about myself as my single mischievous carefree self to this supposedly mature and innately wise motherly creature.

And I feel like a fake trying to write as if I’m a confident and wise mother creature.  And being fake about anything is an impossible feat for me.

I am, if nothing else, pretty direct and frequently embarassingly honest.

I haven’t written very much also because it feels like childcare doesn’t really permit an extended period of time that’s clearly focused.  It is endlessly mildly disruptive.  Not so disruptive as to be insane: but just enough so you wonder where your day’s gone and how come you’ve forgotten to eat and only managed to fold half of your laundry over the course of a full day.

So instead of writing anything about me and how I feel about sort of being a Mommy Blogger, I’ll tell you all about her.

My baby girl Amelia is nearly 6 months old now.

Her hair has grown long enough so that it lays down flat on her head.

She’s starting to teethe, crawl, and express her curiosity by reaching for and examining nearly anything within reach.  She’s still mellow and generally cheerful in disposition and much like her earlier days, her favorite place to nap is on my belly.

In fact as I’m typing this, her head is in the crook of my right arm elbow and her hand is possessively positioned over my right boob.

Her nose is perfect and her eyes, closed in fitful sleep now, still vary from brown and green/hazel.

I can make her laugh with eskimo kisses, tickling and kissing her feet, snorting under her chin and at her neck, or sometimes just looking at her and laughing with her too.

She still likes the korean farting show and no longer hates Tummy Time as much as she used to.  She still hates pacifiers and prefers her fingers in her mouth when my nipple is unavailable.

She wakes up around 8:00 am, and starts singing and talking to herself around 9:00.  She takes a disco nap at Noon and 3.   Her favorite stuffed animal in her crib is Eeyore.  She’s like her mother and only poops about once every 4 days.

She’ll occasionally make yowling kitty cat noises.  She actually turns towards you and recognizes when you refer to her as Madame Flatulencia.

Amelia can be amazingly well behaved while at church and finds the stained glass at St. Dominic’s to be fascinating.

She enjoys her baths and as far as I can tell, every color I put on her seems to make her complexion look brilliant. (I’m jealous — I’ve never been able to carry off green or yellow).

She still hiccups alot.

As a mother, I’ve only set two goals by which I measure my success with Amelia to date: is she happy and is she fat.   The answer is yes to both. So I win.

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