Life Lessons Posts

(In the tradition of past breakup posts – See  2009 2008 2007 2006 2005, 2004, 2003)

Dear 2010,

I must confess that it’s rather hard to part ways with you. We’ve had a good year together.

You’ve been kind to me.

We’ve shared rich moments of great joy, laughter, and love.

In fact, it’s hard for me to even write this break up love note to you because this year’s been the first in a very long time where I started to feel comfortable again in my skin.  I  mean, I know I’m 36 now and by now should be over this navel gazing self discovery and analysis process, but it seems like I never am.  And this year you’ve been with me through it all.  It’s been a year of adjustment for me, and one of supporting tremendous milestones for those I hold dear.

It’s been reassuring and renewing being a part of  lifelong love commitments this year.  I love weddings. A lot. And it was so joyful to see good friends Kevin & Coley and Cindy & Matt get married and to cheer on the engagements of great friends including Annie & Christian and April & Cameron.  There were many other joyful unions this year.

And new children too!  A & H welcomed Nico into the world.  B & A welcomed lovely Ciara. K & A welcomed a sweetie as well. My friend Ritchie (Who I miss and haven’t seen in years!) has a glorious little girl with a impressive name.  I mean, really.  Amelia’s enjoyed plenty of play dates with children of dear friends and developed a penchant for hugging anyone within arms reach when she can.

My friend John M. once told me that having children around makes you young again.  I believe it to be true because I’ve rediscovered little joys in holding hands, going on the swings and slides, and clapping your feet against each other as delightful treats that deserve more attention and credit in their soul restorative qualities.  Seriously, go take a moment to roll on your back and clap your feet against each other.

I’ll wait.  Fun, isn’t it?

Amelia has been such a tremendous source of delight this year for J. and I.  She’s now 19 months old and full of energy.  She gives me a morning kiss and sings herself to sleep at night.  When hugging she’ll rest her head on your shoulder and pat you gently.  She wants to clink glasses with you and say “Cheers” every chance she gets.  When going down the slide by herself she’ll do a victory lap around the playground afterwards.  She walks, runs, jumps, kicks, claps, and hugs.

Her vocabulary and expressions include but are not limited to:

• Cheers
• Hi
• Bye
• Hello
• Dog
• Cat
• Fish
• *moooowah*
• Bump
• Jump
• Kick
• Oh No
• Uh Oh
• No No No
• Yes
• Baby
• Shoes
• Clue
• Wow
• ? (Foot)
• ?? (Shoes)
• ?? (Hi)
• ? ? (Sleep well)

There’s many more phrases and expressions that she has but that’s all that come to mind at the moment.  She’s full of win.

Speaking of victory!  How excited am I to have cheered my friend Jane on to win her seat as District 6 Supervisor.  And see that my friend Tim has his book rocking the NY Times best seller list! And my friend’s Sergio & Mike and others have their companies succeed and be acquired! Mega woots and high fives all around.

But life isn’t all magical double rainbows. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

It’s also been a rough year in losses.  Several of my close friends have lost loved ones over this past year and it’s been a raw and mournful period.  Please know, that despite my failure to call or comfort as much as I’d have liked, my thoughts and prayers have been with you and my intentions have been there on your behalf.

It is not my intention to be distruthful. Especially to myself and to you, dear 2010.  But I’ve been grateful for the opportunities that you’ve given me to reconcile with those that I’ve had a rocky past with in 2009.  Most of those reconciliations have been very successful and I’m honestly very thankful to have these folks back in my life.   You and I both know, 2010, that time is too short to not have the folks you love near to you.

Adjustments. And supporting and reconnecting with loved ones. Reaffirming those relationships.  Yes, these have been the overarching themes for our relationship.  All good things, to be sure.  All values that I’ll take with me as I move on with the new year, 2011 who has already promised to be good to me.

Thanks for everything.

With love,

MJ

(In the tradition of past breakup posts – See 2008 2007 2006 2005, 2004, 2003)

Dear 2009,

I was thinking today about my friend Audrey. Someone whom I haven’t seen in years.  A great gal. Beautiful voice, fun spirit.

She moved to NYC a few years back and when we met up for dinner she described the city in this way.

“It’s kind of like the boyfriend that is lame and forgets your birthday and occasionally pukes on your doorstep and maybe hits you in a fit. But then there’s that one day when he brings you flowers out of the blue and it feels like everything is just magic again.”

I wouldn’t describe you, dear 2009, quite like that.  But I would say that we had a lot more times of stress and distress together than we had moments of magic and wonder.

Let’s talk first about transitions.

There’s been so much transition for me this past year.  It has been unsettling and you know me, I like stability, order, some level of certainty.  There’s been so little of that for me this year.  Shuttling back and forth from Seattle to San Francisco for doctors appointments and the move back.  Doing that while pregnant and increasingly uncomfortable during the first part of this year was unraveling.  Doing it while feeling emotionally isolated while physically unweidly – that much harder.

The identity transition was more difficult than I care to admit.  And the struggle with conceding that work options for me were nil as a pregnant woman in transition from one city to another was abysmal.  And then on to motherhood & housewife?  Weird. And something I still don’t feel comfortable with.  I was able to do some great work to support some friends projects but were awesome still, in a consultant roll, but it still felt oddly awkward and uncomfortable for me.  I love Amelia with all my heart and I embrace my relationship with her as her mother. But being a professional Mother seems … well, just not quite me.

Like I wasn’t in my own skin or pretending to be someone else.  I felt that way a lot this year.

But we survived the transitions and made it back to the bay area, settled into a small home and slowly made it home-ish though after several months here it still doesn’t quite feel like home.

There was the car aggro. Never so much in a single year have I hated my car so much.   Broken taillight. Cracked windshield. Bad wipers. Saturn going out of business and the nearest service center being a 2.5 hour drive away. Being pulled over for expired car registration due to mail forwarding snafu’s from all the moving around and having to wait in line for 2 hours on my feet while holding the baby at the court house was an experience that I never ever want to experience again. Ever.

There was the physical exhaustion.  Pregnant to the birth to the sleep exhaustion to the general feeling that I’m not as physically resilient as I’ve been when I was younger. Oh 2009, you made me feel my age.

And relationship stress.  I hate the fact that I’ve had relationships with important people in my life become strained and cracked. And there’s this sense that I have no tools or abilities to fix them. I hope that changes. I need that to change. It breaks my heart and brings me to tears every time I think about it. And I know admitting that outloud makes it sound melodramatic or postpartum hormonal but it’s true. There are some relationships, that the absense of, has made my heart hurt.

And while it’s great to be back in the bay area and have good friends nearer than far – the dynamic is notably different. Those friends that are unencumbered by children are free and out at bars and concerts and parties and mischief.  I’m able to make an apearance on a rare occasion but a lot of the dynamics are different.

But there has been magic.

Amelia is pure magic.  At the cusp of 2010 she is 7 and a half months old. Sitting up by herself, smiling at the drop of a dime. Giggling at Peek-A-Boo. Standing while supporting herself at her play table. Starting on solid foods and sleeping a solid 9 hours a night now.  She is pretty and personable and giggly and good.  She. Is. Pure. Magic.  And I love her with all my heart in a way that I cannot begin to describe or explain to someone else who is not a parent.  This, my most precious cargo that I have angsted and worried over during 9 monthts of gestatiion to birth and to change after daily and hourly change after change (and I’m not just talking stinky diapers).  She is magical.

So, 2009. I thank you for her.  Thank you so much for her.

She was the grain of sand of hope that the entire world of Fantasia can be made from.

(Yes – Nerd 80s movie reference. Do you get it?).

So 2009. Our time is done.  Looking forward to a more magical 2010.

Yours,

Min Jung

… responding to fear.

This has been an abiguous and awkward topic for me to approach for quite some time.  I’m feeling a hankering for getting out of my shell and writing again.

Personally.

And not for any specific audience – in fact, actively trying to ignore the potential audience of the future anonymous masses out there. (Future potential bosses & co-workers, ex-coworkers, ex-boyfriends, ex-boyfriends and their psycho new significant others, etc.)

I’m digging my heels in and trying to go back to that wide eyed and non-selfconscious wonder that I first had when I started blogging years ago.  Carefree with my small expanse and canvas for words.

It’s been nearly 10 years since I first started writing online for a general public. 14 years if I choose to include my rants on miso soup, bad poetry, and sassy (pre-binary attachment) challenges that I used to issue on usenet. And I’ve tried very hard to remember who that person was.

Raw. Honest. Impractical. Emotional. Impulsive. Loquacious. Engaged. Fanatical. Foolish.

And man could that girl write.

And over the last few years, there have been bits and pieces of that girl that have been etched away.

Some of it is growing up and needing less navel gazing vitriol to sort through my feelings, my ideals, and my need for feedback and attention. Some of it is retisence — in response to certain readers (both real and imagined). And then some of this retisence transformed to a reserved sort of microphobia which has grown to be an accepted and accomodated – timid fear.

Which is stupid.

Because it’s like I’ve given up one of the things that I’m actually pretty decent at – which is writing about the goofy things that I see and experience in life and sharing it with whomever I care to.

I was talking with my friend A. today (as I was getting my toenails painted a Ferrari red) re: whether it’s possible to market oneself as being just a genuinely good and earnest human being and if that personality trait had sustainable value in the current job market. Yes. No. How do you articulate that?

How do you re-engage with a sense of wonder and respect for ones own value system and integrity? How do you express those things within personal and professional environments without feeling forced or contrived. How do you express your own mental and emotional presence and express it to the universe  — which is a massive pulsating beacon and mirror for such energies?

I’m reminded of the simple small prayers that I used to say every night when I was younger and better engaged with my spiritual side.

And I want to start praying again.

As per the norm, less for myself but for those people, projects, and problems that I’m involved with or care about. And then for myself that I can bring the best of what God intends of me to each interaction. A re-engagement with faith to refresh my perspective on the opportunities that I’m being given these days.

I’m grateful for being able to remind myself that I do have that in me.