Conversations with the Kissing Bandit Posts

Kissing Bandit: Are you sleeping better yet?
Moi: As well as I can, considering.
KB: You have too much to do.
Moi: I know.
KB: You know what would help? hehehehe
Moi: Oh shut up. Sex does *not* fix everything.
KB: Oh yes it does.
Moi: Well, it is a good at delivering a sopophoric effect, but the side effects or collateral damage…
KB: Yada, yada, you think too much.
Moi: And you, you’re so ruthlessly careless.
KB: But I sleep marvelously.
Moi: Well ye *do* need the beauty sleep.
KB: Bitch.
Moi: How do you do it?
KB: Do what?
Moi: How do you manage to live your life as if there is an infinite amount of opportunity to fall in love? You just…
KB: Because I’m right. Aren’t I?
Moi: But …
KB: Yes?
Moi: *sigh*
KB: Like I’ve said before, you think too much.
Moi: Or perhaps, not really enough at all.
KB: Listen, sweetcheeks, now this is the only time I’m going to be remotely patronizing here…
Moi: But…
KB: No shut up now and listen.
Moi: OK.
KB: You. You have a problem. When you’re in love, you never aknowledge how awesome it is and you worry it to death. And then before or afterwards, you always act like you’ve never known love really before. And when mourning love you bemoan that you’ll never have the opportunity to love again. And it’s bullshit. You’ve been loved. You’ve loved hard. And you did it right. Sometimes you didn’t do it right. But you .. you gotta stop acting and feeling and thinking yourself into a hole like that’s the only time or the last time you’ll ever be in love again. There really *is* an endless opportunity to fall in love. If you let yourself. And you so rarely let yourself.
Moi: …
KB: Are you listening to me?
Moi: Yes.
KB: Ok. Now go put on some sexy panties.
Moi: The black ones?
KB: No, the red ones, darling. It’s friday.

Moi: So what’s the latest?
Kissing Bandit: Going over funny conversations that I’ve had during this fabulous holiday weekend!
Moi: Oh…I see…so where were you off to this time?
KB: Mostly spent some delightful time in bed. On the phone. Giggling.
Moi: Uh oh. What’s his name this time?
KB: Oh, it’s not like that.
Moi: Then what’s up. Do share!
KB: Well… a) just realizing that so many of the fabulous women that I know rarely appreciate themselves fully. b) i need a fan club too. c) the best way to get a fan club in this regard is to lavish well earned compliments on those fabulous women that I’m friends with as well.
Moi: Ah, ego snack for ego snack. Brilliant. Lay something on me.
KB: Bah, you’re to smart to require such silly and puerile compliments.
Moi: Especially when you pose it like that. Still, I’m vain. And could use an ego cookie.
KB: Bah, don’t waste my time.
Moi: Fine. So what’s on your mind today?
KB: Famous last words.
Moi: Like?
KB: Hmmm let me read you something from a while back…was cleaning out the emails… *********CENSORED************
Moi: Huh. Boat metaphors. Entrapment. Guilt. Stupidity. Wait… is this the one that…?
KB: Yes. But on many levels, the statement from quite a while back is trully ironic.
Moi: As in 10,000 spoons when all you need are chopsticks? Or the boating/pirates thingie?
KB: Arrrrgh!
Moi: What else? Did I tell you about my discussion with the Tattoo Princess today?
KB: No! How is that darling coffee crumble cake?
Moi: Dandy. Just dandy. We’ve come up with a brilliant theory.
KB: And what’s that?
Moi: Well… we have come to the conclusion that tornados and the like must have tastebuds.
KB: Do go on.
Moi: And that trailer parks must taste like bacon.

Kissing Bandit: You’re sulking.
Moi: Yeah. I know.
KB: Out with it. Give it up.
Moi: I’m…pissed at my dream life.
KB: Wuh oh.
Moi: Yeah. I’m having arguments and frustrating discussions w/ peeps I shouldn’t be having these arguments with.
KB: Are they arguing back?
Moi: Sorta.
KB: So I’m guessing the scenarios.
A) You’re arguing about shit that’s less than rational on your part, you’re losing the argument and ergo you’re pissed.
B) You’re arguing and they’re not arguing well with you so you can’t have that hot emotionally charged makeout session at the end of the argument which is your typical trump card to end such stupid arguments. And typically the reason why you sometimes pick fights
C) You’re arguing with people that you don’t even want to talk to and it’s all in all a waste of your time
Moi: Yes.
KB: All the above?
Moi: Maybe.
KB: That’s fucked up.
Moi: Tell me something new.
KB: You need a cookie.
Moi: Yeah.

Kissing Bandit: Well, aren’t you going to say anything?
Moi: About what?
KB: Ya know. I saw them. They were all cooey and creepy and lovey dovey and stuff.
Moi: So?
KB: I mean. Here I was, just minding my business, having a latte and I see the dude who like… fuck. I mean. FUCK!
Moi: And?
KB: Then I saw that he was like all over that…I mean…
Moi: So it was pretty gross and goopy and stuff.
KB: Yeah. And like on your birthday and everything.
Moi: And my point again is, so?
KB: I mean… ok…
Moi: What.
KB: So you’re really not weirded out anymore?
Moi: A little.
KB: And that’s all you’re going to say?
Moi. Pretty much.
KB: What the fuck is going on.
Moi: *Shrug*
KB: Wow. So it’s really over.
Moi: Yup. Has been for a while. About time, right?
KB: And you’re really well adjusted and shit?
Moi: As best as I can be, considering.
KB: And even though that…
Moi: Yeah, don’t bring it up.
KB: Are you going to…
Moi: Probably not. I mean, why dig up old corpses again, right?
KB: True, but aren’t you at least a bit curious?
Moi: Nope. Not really.
KB: So, like, wow.
Moi: Yup. I know. I’m pretty proud of myself too.
KB: Does this mean you’re fucking someone new?
Moi: Maybe.
KB: Wait, is it a girl or a guy?
Moi: Bitch.
KB: That’s not an answer. Or…is it?
Moi: That’s cute.
KB: I mean, so tell me something great then.
Moi: It is with the best intentions that I declare a moratorium on drama when it comes to me and the meditations of my heart. Also, that should anyone try to dredge up drama that I don’t want into my life, that I shall not consider myself selfish or ungracious for promptly and uncompromisingly excising them from any opportunity to do so.
KB: What, and leave *me* to cause all the trouble by my lonesome?
Moi: You and your pussy posse.
KB: Will you at least tell me *something* about this new person in your life?
Moi: He’s pretty fucking great.
KB: It only matters if he’s great at fucking.
Moi: So say you.
KB: Only cuz it’s so true.

Kissing Bandit: I have this theory.
Moi: Out with it. What’s it this time?
KB: I think that the Filipinos are ze French of the Asia.
Moi: Explain.
KB: Well, they’re wildy romantic lovers, they sing, they have great stamina, good sized…uh equipment, and smoke like all hell.
Moi: Go on.
KB: And they’re also very bad drivers.
Moi: Ok…
KB: And it’s just like my observation that the Koreans are the Irish of the Asia.
Moi: Blah blah blah. Heard it before. Hyper Christian. Civil War.
KB: And don’t forget the drinking and bar brawls.
Moi: Your theory is wrong.
KB: Oh *really*. Why do you say that?
Moi: Name one Filipino that likes Jerry Lewis.
KB: …
Moi: Yeah, I thought so.

Kissing Bandit:You know what I mean.
Moi: What?
KB: Like when you’re giving a blow job and the guy is well..
Moi: What?
Kissing Bandit: 30degrees leaning in any particular direction
Moi:!!
KB: It’s a bitch hitting your cheek against the hip bone.
Moi: !
KB: What? Like you haven’t been there?
Moi: You’re a bad bad woman.
KB: I know.

KB: Hey. Nice Work.
Moi: What? The kissing thing?
KB: Yeah. Laid some serious damage.
Moi: Yeah…well I try.
KB: Break any hearts?
Moi: Who me? Nah. We know I’m all talk and mostly well behaved.
KB: Unlike me.
Moi: You *are* the true mischief maker.
KB: I don’t even try.
Moi: Are you happy with your life and the most recent state of affairs? Embraced and unapologetic sluttitude?
KB: Delighted beyond measure. I’ve hit my sexual peak.
Moi: Haven’t you been using that excuse for what…the last 5 years?
KB: Well, when you’re lucky like me, you multiple.
Moi: Woo.

On the subject of Vday Bitterness.

For our hero, Ze Kissing Bandit, prized pupil of Fifi Le BoomBoom shared the following.

Today, today, I feel both very loved, and very alone.
Tomorrow though, I shall fall in love again.
And the day after that, again too.

Until then, I kiss strangers until I find one that I like and want to kiss a second time. And perhaps a third. And perhaps even more than that.

I can only respond on say

Lucky.

KB: I’m feeling kind of weird
Moi: Why, what’s up?
KB: I … I think I’m … excited about a boy…
Moi: GASP! Who?
KB: Oh, this little SLAM … he makes me giggle
Moi: And cooo?
KB: Yeah. It’s weird… do you get light headed like this normally?
Moi: When smitten, on occasion, why yes, that’s happened.
KB: Sonnuva bitch.
Moi: OH SNAP! You’re BLUSHING!
KB: Bitch, Don’t make me come over there and bitch slap you.
Moi: Teee heee heee hee hee!
KB: Well, at least one of us is getting laid.
Moi: Whatever snookums.

Moi: You did *what*?
KB: *whisper whisper*
Moi: With that guy you barely know!? I mean, Fuck!
KB: *wink*
Moi: Wow.
KB: Girl…life is too short not to work it.
Moi: Yeah, but there’s a difference between working it and letting it work you… give the cooch a break…
KB: That’s what death is for.
Moi: That’s necropheliac sexy.
KB: Damn. Good point.
Moi: … ok, now I’m disturbed
KB: That’s what friends are for.

KB: So what was *that* about?
Moi: Ah, nothing. Just a very handsome chap from the band said I had nice earrings.
KB: They are quite nice. Rather glad I got those for you.
Moi: I went into a tizzy about how they’re my every day earrings…blahblahblah non fashionista am I, but I’m trying…ya know…wearing my hair down more regularly, even…
KB: Oh why do you always dispell the mystery of your charms
Moi: Anyways…He asked if I take them off at night. I told him no, of course.
KB: And he was surprised by this?
Moi: *Shrug* I guess. He imagined that they must get stuck in my pillow when I fidget in my sleep.
KB: Do you fidget much?
Moi: Like I told him, it depends on who I’m with. (blush) I must have lost a half dozen left earrings in his sheets of one of my ex’s.
KB: Really. Did you ever get them back?
Moi: Nah. I figure it’s a war casualty.
KB: … Some war’s are fun.
Moi: Indeed.
KB: Are you wearing chanel while loffing about in your PJ’s?
Moi: Damn Skippy.
KB: A girl after my own heart.
Moi: I try.
KB: In the meantime, share some of that damn good scotch with a sister, wouldja? I’m having a hell of a week.
Moi: Two. Doubles. Neat.

Moi:So what was the kiss of death this time.
KB: He said I was deep.
Moi: And … how’s that bad?
KB: He fucking sounded ASTONISHED when he said it?
Moi: What?
KB: Like “OH MY GAWD, YOU’RE A HOT PIECE OF ASS *AND* YOU LIKE DISCUSSING DYSTOPIAN SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS BASED ON LIMITATIONS IN COMMUNICATIONS MEDIUMS?”
Moi: Oh… I see.
KB: And really, he totally missed my argument to Kierkegard and the general relativity of “truth” based on mob mentality.
Moi: The fucker.
KB: Exactly my point. Especially as related to Giligan’s Island.
Moi: Like duh.

Moi: So what’s the latest scandal?
Kb: Girl, you don’t even wanna know.
Moi: Spill it.
Kb: *whisper whisper whisper*
Moi: Get the FUCK OUT!
Kb: No seriously.
Moi: And so then what?
Kb: Nothing. I’m just going to keep moisturizing my hands in the meantime.
Moi: Oh. My. Gawd.
Kb: Yup.
Moi: Don’t forget to trim them fingernails too.