There’s something to be said for
… responding to fear.
This has been an abiguous and awkward topic for me to approach for quite some time. I’m feeling a hankering for getting out of my shell and writing again.
Personally.
And not for any specific audience - in fact, actively trying to ignore the potential audience of the future anonymous masses out there. (Future potential bosses & co-workers, ex-coworkers, ex-boyfriends, ex-boyfriends and their psycho new significant others, etc.)
I’m digging my heels in and trying to go back to that wide eyed and non-selfconscious wonder that I first had when I started blogging years ago. Carefree with my small expanse and canvas for words.
It’s been nearly 10 years since I first started writing online for a general public. 14 years if I choose to include my rants on miso soup, bad poetry, and sassy (pre-binary attachment) challenges that I used to issue on usenet. And I’ve tried very hard to remember who that person was.
Raw. Honest. Impractical. Emotional. Impulsive. Loquacious. Engaged. Fanatical. Foolish.
And man could that girl write.
And over the last few years, there have been bits and pieces of that girl that have been etched away.
Some of it is growing up and needing less navel gazing vitriol to sort through my feelings, my ideals, and my need for feedback and attention. Some of it is retisence — in response to certain readers (both real and imagined). And then some of this retisence transformed to a reserved sort of microphobia which has grown to be an accepted and accomodated - timid fear.
Which is stupid.
Because it’s like I’ve given up one of the things that I’m actually pretty decent at - which is writing about the goofy things that I see and experience in life and sharing it with whomever I care to.
I was talking with my friend A. today (as I was getting my toenails painted a Ferrari red) re: whether it’s possible to market oneself as being just a genuinely good and earnest human being and if that personality trait had sustainable value in the current job market. Yes. No. How do you articulate that?
How do you re-engage with a sense of wonder and respect for ones own value system and integrity? How do you express those things within personal and professional environments without feeling forced or contrived. How do you express your own mental and emotional presence and express it to the universe — which is a massive pulsating beacon and mirror for such energies?
I’m reminded of the simple small prayers that I used to say every night when I was younger and better engaged with my spiritual side.
And I want to start praying again.
As per the norm, less for myself but for those people, projects, and problems that I’m involved with or care about. And then for myself that I can bring the best of what God intends of me to each interaction. A re-engagement with faith to refresh my perspective on the opportunities that I’m being given these days.
I’m grateful for being able to remind myself that I do have that in me.
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