Holiday (cough) Names
I’ve gotten into a number of entertaining conversations over the last few days but this particular one triggered a number of interesting notes.
It seems that American mainstream popculture has appropriated a number of holidays for the soul purpose of generating a new reason for heavy alcohol consumption.
Having lost the real history and significance of the original reasons behind the holidays, I feel it necessary to rename them to more accurate norms.
All accurateand block quoted references/descriptions are per Wikipedia
1.01 New Year’s Day
New Year’s Day is the first day of the year, in the Gregorian calendar. In modern times, it is January 1. In most countries, it is a holiday. It is a holy day to many of those who still use the Julian calendar, which includes followers of some of the Eastern Orthodox churches, and is celebrated on January 14 of the Gregorian calendar due to differences between the two calendars.
This holiday should be renamed “I swear I’m totally never doing that again” day.
2.14 Valentine’s Day
Saint Valentine’s Day falls on February 14, and is the traditional day on which lovers let each other know about their love, by sending Valentine’s cards, which are often anonymous. The history of Valentine’s day can be traced back to a Catholic Church feast day, in honor of Saint Valentine. The day’s associations with romantic love arrived after the High Middle Ages, during which the concept of courtly love, which had a large impact on the modern Western conception of love, was formulated.
This day needs to be referred to as “Obscene retail consumption of things that will make me feel really pathetic or possibly get me laid.”
3/Something Mardis Gras
Mardi Gras (French for “Fat Tuesday“) is the day before Ash Wednesday, and is also called “Shrove Tuesday” or “Pancake Day“. It is the final day of Carnival (English:IPA: /kaɹnɨvÉ™l/ and Romance languages:IPA: /karnaval/). It is a celebration that is held just before the beginning of the Christian liturgical season of Lent. The feast should not be confused with the Polish Fat Thursday.
Due to most recent pop culture exploitation, this event should be renamed Titty Gras.
3/17 St. Patrick’s day
Lá Fhéile Pádraig) is the feast day which annually celebrates Saint Patrick (386-493), the patron saint of Ireland, on March 17. It is a national holiday in the Republic of Ireland (but not Northern Ireland, where it is a bank holiday); the overseas territory of Montserrat; and the Canadian province of Newfoundland and Labrador.
Saint Patrick’s Day is celebrated worldwide by Irish people and increasingly by many of non-Irish descent. Celebrations are generally themed around all things green and Irish; both Christians and non-Christians celebrate the secular version of the holiday by wearing green, eating Irish food and imbibing Irish drink, and attending parades. The largest St. Patrick’s Day parade in the world is held in New York City. Also the first St. Patrick’s day parade was held in New York City on March 17, 1762 when the Irish soldiers marched through the city. Parades also take place in Dublin and in other Irish towns and villages. Other large parades include those in Manchester, Montreal, Boston, Chicago, Savannah, Denver and Scranton. Large parades also take place in other places throughout Europe and the Americas, as well as Australia and Asia.
St Pantie’s Day. Because you either wear green, wear green panties, lose or acquire panties, or turn completely green from consuming green bagles, green beer, and green whisky. Because like me, a korean american gal, I’m like, *so* Irish. Ok, joke what you will, perhaps I’ve had a little Irish in me at some point. (Ok, and he was pretty hung.)
5/5 Cinco De Mayo
El Cinco de Mayo (”The Fifth of May” in Spanish) is a national celebration in Mexico and widely celebrated in many parts of the United States. It commemorates the victory of Mexican forces led by General Ignacio Zaragoza over the French expeditionary forces in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862.
It is a common misconception that Cinco de Mayo is Mexico’s Independence Day.
Psycho De Mayo. Because you’d be completely insane to try & think you’re down with drinking more than 8 dos equis beers while pretending that you know how to speak Spanish and call whomever you’ll eventually get into a bar brawl with “Amigo”.
5/29 Memorial Day
Memorial Day is a United States federal holiday that is observed on the last Monday of May (for example May 29th, 2006). It was formerly known as Decoration Day. This holiday commemorates U.S. men and women who died in military service for their country. It began first to honor Union soldiers who died during the American Civil War. After World War I, it expanded to include those who died in any war or military action. Today, some Americans use Memorial Day weekend to also honor family members who have passed away. Church services on the Sunday prior to Memorial Day may include a reading of the names of members who have died during the previous 12 months.
Should be renamed “I have an excuse for a black out day.” Every year I’ve attended a bbq hosted by someone who’s never been involved in any military service. No one attends a parade or visits cemetaries. At most, we make opium jokes about the gawddamn poppy pins we get hobarted into buying at stoplights.
7/4 US Independence Day
n the United States, Independence Day, also called the Fourth of July, is a federal holiday celebrating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, declaring independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain.
Independence Day is commonly associated with parades, barbecues, picnics, baseball games, and various other public and private events celebrating the history and traditions of the U.S. Fireworks have been associated with the Fourth of July since 1777.
Should be renamed “BBQ and ecstasy make fireworks that much more delightful day”. Them lighttrails are fricking dope.
10/Somethingish - Columbus Day
Columbus Day is a holiday celebrated in many countries in the Americas, commemorating the date of Christopher Columbus’s arrival in the New World in 1492. Similar holidays, celebrated as DÃa de la Raza (Day of the Race) in many countries in Latin America, Discovery Day in the Bahamas, Hispanic Day in Spain, and the newly-renamed DÃa de la Resistencia IndÃgena (Day of Indigenous Resistance) in Venezuela, commemorate the same event.
In light of most recent anti-immigration discussions/demonstrations/etc. I think this should be renamed the “Fuck the brown/black/yellow/red people day.” Because frankly, let’s own up to our own shit. I mean, do we want to celebrate the dude who delivered smallpox and lies to an otherwise peaceful nation of civilized and sophisticated peoples with a different value system? I’m just calling an asshole an asshole. Yes, I love America. I’m just not a fan of Columbus, because in person, I’m very confident that the dude was probably a pretty big prick.
11/5 Guy Fawkes Night
Guy Fawkes Night, also known as Bonfire Night, Fireworks Night and Plot Night, is an annual celebration (but not a public holiday) on the evening of the 5th of November primarily in the United Kingdom, but also in New Zealand, South Africa, the province of Newfoundland (Canada), and formerly in Australia. It celebrates the failure of the Gunpowder Plot, in which a group of Catholic conspirators attempted to blow up the Houses of Parliament in London on the evening of 5 November 1605, when the Protestant King James I (James VI of Scotland) was within its walls
This should be referred to as Fuck England or Fuck an Englishman/Englishlass day. Everyone wins.
11/Somethingish - Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving, or Thanksgiving Day, is an annual holiday observed in the United States and Canada to celebrate being thankful for the things one has. In the U.S., the holiday is celebrated on the fourth Thursday in November. In Canada, Thanksgiving is celebrated on the second Monday in October.
Should be renamed “Thank goodness for fat pants day.” ‘Nuff said.
12/Somethingish - Xmas & Hannukah
Christmas (literally, the Mass of Christ) is a traditional holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus with both religious and secular aspects, commonly observed on 25 December. In most Eastern Orthodox Churches, even where the civil calendar used is the Gregorian, the event is observed according to the Julian calendar, which coincides with the predominant reckoning of 7 January. Celebrated mostly by Christians, the holiday is based on the traditional —though not accurate— birth of Jesus, as 25 December. Recent data has concluded that Jesus was likely born earlier, circa 8 BC – 2 BC, not to mention at a different time of year. Christ’s birth, or nativity, was said by his followers to fulfill the prophecies of Judaism that a messiah would come, from the house of David, to redeem the world from sin. Efforts to decide upon a date on which to celebrate his birth began some centuries later.
The word Christmas is a contraction of Christ’s Mass, derived from the Old English Cristes mæsse. It is often abbreviated Xmas, probably because X resembles the Greek letter Χ (chi) which has often historically been used as an abbreviation for Christ (ΧÏιστός in Greek).
For the Khazar ruler by this name, see Hanukkah (Khazar).
Hanukkah, also known as the Festival of Lights or Festival of Dedication, is an eight day Jewish holiday that starts on the 25th day of Kislev, which generally is in December, or sometimes, late November. The festival is observed in Jewish homes by the kindling of lights on each of the festival’s eight nights, one on the first night, two on the second night and so on.
In Hebrew script, the word Hanukkah is written ×—× ×›×”, ḥănukkÄh, or ×—× ×•×›×”, ḥănÅ«kkÄh. It is most commonly transliterated to English as Hanukkah or Chanukah. Other variations are discussed below.
These should be renamed “The one time I go observe something remotely religious when I actually spend 100x the time in the mall than in prayer.” Sick but true.
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