Things I want to say…
to people (in particular) that I will say to people in the ambiguous.
1. Dude. That statement was completely unnecessary and you are a tool. Plus, your hair looks like a mad woman’s pubes on a sweaty new york july day. Not cute.
2. Congratulations. But you still have a peanut head which a woman, any woman, should not *ever* have to try and imagine between her thighs.
3. Do you think that the geek boys of notice with the cool girlfriends would have become of notice had it not been for the cool girlfriends who kept them reasonably well balanced and on focus? I wonder.
4. According to the author of Devil in the White City, lots of serial killers have blue eyes. And I must be a sicko becuase I occasionally still find ***** reasonably cute.
5. Ok, so I have dreams about flossing the teeth of werewolves. I don’t think that’s abnormal. Why must you mock me? Gingivitus is not funny for anyone!
6. Not that I’m saying I did this, but I understand that using a tortilla as a mouse pad doesn’t really work so well.
7. You’re really not allowed to feel that guilty for nicking a bottle of $2 buck chuck from your roommate. So go ahead and nick two.
8. Am I supposed to feel guilty that the fruit that I bought from Safeway which obviously came from the hands of exploited migrant workers was fricking amazingly dang tasty? I mean, like wow.
9. Daddy, I love you. But if you could kindly stop comparing me to your friends’ children who are Catholic baby factories, and/or grad students and/or homeowners and/or…well…fricking employed, I’d really appreciate it right now. I’m fragile. I need icecream. And lactaid. And a wooby.
10. I’m ever so sorry. I totally didn’t mean to inviscerate your frail ego with a remark of face-dragged-on-diamond-gravel truth. I had no idea that you might really respond to that statment that might wake you from your circle jerk of cluster fucking narcisism. Man, how cruel and insensitive am I to say : “dude. um. you really need to step off and get your ass kicked. it’d be good for you. because you’re a total pain in the ass to hang with these days.”
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