My family is full of just hijinks and mischief.
My brother does things like call me to tell me “that oh… wait, I thought your birthday was the next day, and are you buying a house yet, and yeah, dad told me you’d gained weight again, and that thing I was supposed to do for you, well I forgot, but hey, I’m in town but no, I don’t have time to see you, but hey, yeah, are you friends normal yet… and by the way, you’re like still employed? Shouldn’t you be laid off again by now?”
I respond “Thanks bro. I have my own office. My own parking space. And someone hired next week to help me out. Shut up. Dude.”
My step-mother says funny things like “thank you for the lovely mother’s day flowers. i was just talkign to the flowers saying ‘hiyeee…how pretty you are… oh so nice for me… sucha nice children they giving for me…by the way do you having any good news for me? no… no news.. no boyfriend.. i gibbuh up, i canna talk to you then.. so here, you talk to your fadah.”
I respond. “I’ve given up. I’ve gained weight, I’m getting ugly, not taking care of my skin, and flirting with younger men only. No korean man will want me. And you know why? It’s because my father wouldn’t let me date in highschool and college. Now I’m all maladjusted wacked out fat professional lady.”
My father says funny things like “ippuh you go to korea then you habbuh to go for longer time. how you going to find husband ippuh only one week? you know, don’t worry. i figure dat ting out por you. you quit smokeuh righ? I starting to smokuh now.”
I respond “Daddy, Monica would kick your ass if you smoked. You had a fricking stroke, dad. ”
He responds, “Oh shut up. How can I do like you do then if you smoking.
I respond back. “Dad. You’re cute. And I love you. But man, oh man, oh forget it. I love you.”
And he responds back. “I rubbah you too!”
And I used to think that the only weird thing about my family was the fact that all the remote controls in our house were hermetically sealed in saran wrap because we tend to eat while channel surfing and have been known to be too engrossed in a pistons game to find a napkin.
