Archive: Ammy Awards: Full Report: 2001
OK,
It was too fricking long for IIstix to allow it to run unedited but if you want the full report on the road trip & etc.
Enjoy reading.
Props to ii Stix for hooking us up and Ernie for letting me drive his phat Saturn.
Pictures can be found
Here (Three pages full — Check em all out)
Here
Here
*************
II stix represents!
MJ:
It’s true! Can you believe it? Me and Ernie from the II Stix crew drove down to LA to attent the NAAAP National Conference hosted by APEX and the AMMY awards down in LA this past weekend.
“Ahh the memories…from the corners of my mind… scattered *P*ictures, of the way we were..”
Now first off, I gotta say, who were the chumps behind giving us a pair of press passes when a) it’s a commonly well established fact that II stix ain’t nuffin but a bunch of knuckleheads that could hardly carry the title of journalistic integrity without slipping a laxative into your mapo tofu, and b) the two knuckleheads going to represent and cover th eevent aren’t nuffin but a pair of crack heads who procrastinate like mad, have no celebrity handling skills, and are more likely than not to just make complete foo’s of themselves for this conference? Who cares! Road Trip! Free Tix! Partys! Celebs! Hennessy! Woo Hoo!
Ernie:
Procrastinate. Oh yes we do. Procrastinated preparing for the conference, procrastinated leaving for Los Angeles, right down to procrastinating the whole article write-up.
Aaaah, the road trip. There’s something special about getting into an automobile going on long extended trips — you get to blast the music in your car, and there’s something about the road trip that gives you the right to eat bags and bags of doritos and wash it down with a sports drink. I mean, who drinks sport drinks anyways? Certainly not after playing sports. I mean jeezus, that shit is like berry-flavored piss water. But I digress.
MJ:
Now to keep it brief (mostly because both Ernie and I are lousy at taking notes and couldn’t take a serious journalism assignment to save our lives) I’ll just highlight the trip to you in bits & pieces and maybe Ernie will have some worthwhile commentary.
Ernie:
Girl, you’re the writer of the two. I just sit back and talk shit about everyone. But let it be known that Min Jung’s shit talking skills are excellent. EXCELLENT. But that’s for another II Stix article altogether.
MJ:
Yeah right, anyways.
Friday
The Road Trip
Off to a late start, I’m stuck in traffic heading down to Santa Clara to pick Ernie’s punk ass up after work. After arriving at his office, we decide to chow down on some chow fun and avoid deadly traffic. Punk. I gotta go back with him to his house so he can pack.
Ahem.
Ernie: “I’m a guy, it only takes me 15 minutes to pack–PROMISE!”
Me: “Ok, dude.”
He packs, calls mommy, and I play with his pussy cat.
Over 30 minutes the lying big ass punk.
Ernie:
Ernie: “Hey Min Jung, how should I pack this hair gel?” (Ernie holds up a economy size 40 ounce bottle of hair gel, slightly larger than a toaster oven)
MJ: “OH HELL NO you’re not bringing that!” (finds some travel sized bottles of shampoo, stolen from a cheap hotel) “Bring this instead. Dumbass.)
Ernie: “Wow, you’re good.”
MJ: “Hey, no problem. (Dumbass.)
(Ernie spends 15 minutes emptying the shampoo bottle, carefully filling it with hairgel — and then ends up bringing a hotel bottle of conditioner instead. Let’s all repeat after me: Ernie is a dumbass.)
MJ:
Finally we leave.
Time whips as we talk about sexuality, dating, stupid celebs, what we should do, how should we dress, how ghetto fabulicious we should be, and how we’re still such tremendously huge dorks and should disguise ourselves as some other lame ass publication’s folks if we get caught asking any really stupid questions or get caught with our zippers or panties down. Damn, don’t you wish you were a fly on the ceiling during our drive down?
A little thing that everyone knows about Ernie. He’s gay. A little thing that few people know about Ernie. He dehydrates like a mofo. Guzzling water like a madman.
Ernie:
What? I get thirsty.
MJ:
Ahem, tasty piece of advice for all folks doing the SF to LA roadtrip.
#1. Get to Gilroy in time to visit the Casa De Fruta and visit the Casa De Banos. You’ll really want to pee here. Ick.
#2. Bring nose plugs when you pass Shit Mountain.
#3. Bring 4 Gallons of water if you travel with Ernie
Ernie:
..and if you go on a trip with Min Jung? Bring a pack of cloves. A couple packs of cloves. This girl smokes like a chimney. Puff, puff.
MJ:
Ahem as I was saying.
#4. Accept the fact that your car will look like its soul purpose in life is to swat bugs at high velocity.
#5. Pee before you get to the Grapevine. Holding a pee for 90 miles will kill you.
Ernie:
Ohwow, that’s for damn sure. 40 minutes of driving in the mountains while drinking a couple liters of water and your kidneys are in such pain that you start hallucinating.
“IS THAT A RESTROOM SIGN?”
“No. It says ‘BRAKE CHECK.’”
*sigh*
“IS THAT A RESTROOM SIGN?”
“No. It says ‘CAUTION: WINDY ROAD WITH SOUNDS OF RUSHING WATER AND FOUNTAINS — NEXT 30 MILES.’”
“Kill me.”
MJ:
Other interesting sites en route
Twin red ferarris playing leap frog with each other down the 5. Who the fuck would abuse a lovely spider so? Damn bastards.
The air gets progressively thicker from the smog as you approach LA. Other drivers make you feel like you belong in special ed if you’re not going at least 80 down the freeway.
You and your co-roadtrippers will get quiet & stay quiet when they really really really need to pee but they don’t want to be the one to mention it to break the pace of the drive.
Ernie & I apparently pee-torture-silent-treatmented each other for about 40 minutes (ooh … about 100 miles or so) at one point.
We arrive in LA and crash over at my friends home.
At this point we don’t even mind the fact that we’re sleeping in the same bed cuz they’re short on space there. Crash hard. Monster Zzzzs.
Ernie:
Yeah baby, that’s right. I slept with Min Jung. How many people can say that, huh Min Jung? (Insert evil, evil grin here.)
MJ:
(Silent glare)
Ernie:
(Ducking for cover)
MJ:
Anyways, on to the actual conference on Saturday morning since we missed all the ever so hip & cool pop culture pokemon panel for Friday. Here’s an honest recounting of our Saturday morning events.
7:30 AM
My first reaction while in bed and staring at the ceiling.
“OH MY GOD. I SLEPT WITH ERNIE.”
Ernie:
Oh whatever. You were smoking a cigarette and I had my Hugh Heffner smoking jacket on, “Mrs. Robinson” playing in the background.
Okay, no, not really.
MJ:
My next reaction.
*Kick*
“You get up first & take a shower first.”
Ernie: “Hmmmmm, k.”
Ernie:
My first reaction:
“Where am I?”
“Where are my clothes?”
“Why does this keep happening to me?”
With large Asian conventions, I can expect one of two things — it’s gonna be a room full of Asian yuppies, or a room full of Asian thugs. So what do I wear? Fuck.
What to do, what to do.
I end up wearing a Hawaiian shirt and baggy cargo pants. Great. I look like a trendy white guy. I can get dirty looks from both the yuppies AND the ruffnecks. Everyone wins.
Min Jung, of course, looks stunning in her red shiny shirt. Corporate enough, but definately sexy. Did I tell you I slept with her? Haha. Good.
MJ:
Shit, well I lost at Roshambo so I had to be the Yuppie and Ernie had to wear the Hawaiian shirt. Wait a sec I guess I won huh?
Ernie:
Hey. When Min Jung goes sexy corporate style, everyone wins. Everyone.
MJ:
We quickly dress, pack up our gear and jet to the hotel.
Ack, we missed the opening speech. Desperate in search of coffee & food, we decide between Workshop Session and Food. Roshambo. Ok, we’ll hit the panel this time. Sheesh. (Stomach growling)
The first panel discussed Asian Americans behind the scenes in the Entertainment biz. Ok, first thing to note about this conference, everything was all show biz or lame. Some were a combo of the two. This panel was actually pretty interesting in discussing the demographics of Asian Americans in the biz, who’s got power, who’s got ducats, and who’s wielding it. Many of the comments made were of the “Well, yeah, we need to do this, and we need to do that” blah blah blah. Panel speakers included Quan Phung of Comedy Central, Janet Yang, Jeff Yang and Fritz Friedman who kept plugging Cape at www.cape-usa.com. Hey, Ernie, I thought you were taking notes on this?
Ernie:
Who me?
MJ:
Sigh. We suck at this. AnywaysAt least we got some decent pictures. So, what’s next? (Stomach still growling). Ok, session or food? Using our gut journalistic instincts, we flip a coin and go for some buttery hasbrowns, sausage, coffee, and a bagel.
Ernie:
Hey, what’s next on the schedule?
MJ:
Hmm let me check Uh oh
Ernie:
What?
MJ:
Lunch.
Ernie:
Aaaah, the lunch panel. On the panel: The Indian guy, Anjul Nigam, that had a bit role on ER, Tamilyn Tomita from the Joy Luck Club, Marie Martiko from the Art of War, James Hong (aka Raiden, from Big Trouble Little China) and some older women with bleached blonde hair who played on Broadway. Very highbrow, very Joan Collins from Dynasty.
MJ:
That’s France Nuyen from Joy Luck Club.
Ernie:
Who?
MJ:
Ya know, the mom who drowned her kid, the one who’s daughter is Lauren Tom who lives in the crooked house with the prick of a husband who splits everything in half?
Ernie:
Ohhhhhh. (Nods and smiles quietly)
MJ:
Yeah her, the whole “And now like a crouching tiger I shall cut her spirit free” yada yada
Ernie:
Got it. (Nods and smiles with a vacant look on his face)
MJ:
Yeah, with that one fucker who split the price of icecream
Ernie:
Ahem yeah anyways
The topic: Asian Americans in the media. Like you didn’t see that shit coming from a million miles away.
The panel moderator was obviously looking for a particular statement: “Asians are not seen in the media and we need to do something about it.” Mind you, I agree with that statement, but in a day-long conference with every single cookie-cutter Asian person saying the exact same thing? That shit gets old, yo.
Which is probably why an evil smile crossed my face when Asian Joan Collins nuzzles up to the microphone and says something to this effect: Politics should NEVER interfere with art. If a white man plays an Asian man and he does a good job, THAT IS FINE.
The “THAT IS FINE” comment could have been “FUCK YOU ALL,” the way the shocked audiance reacted to that statement. I swear to god, I almost expected Amanda from Melrose Place to come out from backstage and wrestle her into a swimming pool. I would have started clapping because she had the cajones to say this to a bunch of Asian sheep, but I would have been the only person and I didn’t want IIStix.com to be known as “IIStix.com, a bunch of non-politically correct assholes.”
MJ:
You know, Tamlyn Tomita is still a total hottie even with glasses & little makeup on.
Ernie:
Yeah, and she can actually speak.
MJ:
Ok, then they actually started serving us food as Kozmo boy Joe Park spoke up there. For some reason, they have given me some sort of beef (I hope) strip on top of baked beans and with a side of bok choy. WTF? Who picked this menu? Good lord. This is so wrong. Thank goodness for the hashbrowns from before.
Anyway, back to Joe Park, his speech in between me listening to Ernie chewing, was mostly it was a personal sharing of his dilemma about telling his parents that he wanted to be an entrepreneur and bagged his whole super yuppy Ibanking job at Goldman Sachs and how he’d been inspired by an issue of Fortune Magazine covering Amazon. Apparently Bezos knocked his pants off in his stereotype of online entrepreneurs.
Next, he shared how he told his peeps that he quit his job to kick up Kozmo.
“Pass the Kimchi I quite Goldman.”
Wow, if Kozmo weren’t on fuckedcompany.com every day, I’d say that move took monster cajones and the utter lack of grace that I find so oddly endearing.
Apparently, shortly afterwards his mom wouldn’t stop calling to nag him (ahh Korean moms are soo damn good at this) Hurray, you’re a big success, oh wait.. you just got asked to resign right? Woops.
Next session or check out the career fair?
Ernie:
Career fair?
Oh yeah, that.. ok…
MJ:
After about 10 minutes cruising through the job fair, we decide to walk outside, and pimp out some more Iistix postcards & stickers. Thank goodness for nicotine.
Panel II Entertainment Panel
MJ:
Now actually, we were pretty lucky that we made it back in time from our smokes to catch this one. Me with my journalistic ballsiness made my way up front past a whole bunch of pissed looking chicks cuz I had the press pass.
On this panel were Lisa Ling, Rick Yune, Garrett Wang, Rosalind Chao and Tim Lounibos. More about APAs in front of the camera, the roles that they play, their reactions to them, and to others in the industry. Of note, Rick Yune using the term “Playahatah”. No joke. Ernie, did you take notes this time? I had the camera.
Ernie:
Oh oops. I was on the phone.
MJ:
Sigh.
After a brief break to go grab a change of clothes & freshen up, we head to the VIP Lounge which smells just a little too much like a Korean Club since the corporate sponsor is Hennessy.
Ernie:
Min Jung is amazingly good at hobknobing with celebrities. I mean, they’re regular people just like you and me, right? Of course. The mom from Joy Luck is just chatting away with Min Jung.
“Oh, I don’t use the Internet,” she says to MJ.
“I’m too scared of it.”
Min Jung gives her a IIStix.com post card anyway, and she puts it in her pocket. It’s probably used as birdcage liner or something.
MJ:
Awww man, she was totally cool. She was kinda grumpy though since she was hungry and there wasn’t any proper eats in the VIP lounge.
“Thayah ees no fuud. What cahn I do when I did not eet and thayah ees no fuud?”
Lady was down and she gave me an autograph to boot.
Ernie:
My friend Ray is along for the ride. He’s just noddin and smiling, soaking it all in. We see a volumptuous girl with a mind-numbingly low cut dress taking pictures with some asian guy. “Dude, I think that’s an Asian porn star.”
“You sure?” I ask.
“Yeah, I think so. Think her name is Miya or something.”
Turns out that Miya, the porn star is actually Miya, the news anchorwoman for one of the TV Stations in LA. Haha.
Me on the other hand, I’m trippin. I’ve never seen the Art of War, but I still manage to fuck up an interview with Marie Martiko. We brought a voice recorder, and a day later replaying the messages to myself I realize that my voice is shriller than hers. Crap.
A second interview with Dante Bosco (AKA Rufio from Hook) went a lot smoother, because one, MJ was with me and two, I knew that he played a gay wrestler going through don’t-be-gay rehab in the movie “But I’m a Cheerleader.”
“So, how did you get involved with that movie?” I ask.
I look over to MJ. She is smitten over him.
MJ:
Whatevs you punk ass.
Ernie:
Dante does a double take, obviously thinking that Asian people wouldn’t bring up gay movies at an Asian event. He explains how the director of the movie approached him, how the role was the All-American guy that just happened to be gay.
“But I love women. I LOVE WOMEN.” He flashes a showbiz smile at Min Jung and her heart melts again.
“Can you kiss me?” she asks.
He obliges, kissing MJ on the cheek.
Ohgoodlord.
MJ:
Dude, you’re just fricking jealous.
Ok, Ernie’s got some good interview coverage on Marie Matiko and Dante Bosco.
Ernie:
Oh yeah, I do, huh? Look for the interview with Dante at the end of this article. As for Marie, well, you don’t wanna hear my interview with Marie Martiko. Mainly because after listening to the interview on the voice recorder, I can’t even hear my interview with Marie Martiko. I swear, I sounded like a fucking chipmunk on crack, I was so goddamn nervous. Let me sum up what she said in six words: “Never give up on your dreams.” You’ve heard it all before. Nice girl though, really.
I of course have the embarrassing Dustin Nguyen incident.
Ern & I were in the VIP lounge chatting & he was right near us talking to a friend of his.
Dustin is wearing a Chinese Robe/Dress type looking thing. What the hell do you call those.
Anyways, his friend asks
“So, dude, what are you wearing underneath that thing?”
DN “Check it out” (Shows off bad ass leather pants, pulling aside his robe)
Me much without composure “OH MY GOD – SOOO ULTIMATE BAD ASS”
DN Looks over at me as if I’m a freak.
Ernie “Oh my god”
Me “Oh my god, how red am I?”
Ernie “Very”
Me “Run Away! Run Away! Run Away” totally embarrassed.
Shortly afterwards we made our way to the press room where we sat and waited. Sat and waited. Apparently due to whoever the frick was responsible for setting this gig up for press folks, it felt jacked. We waited and waited in this back room to see the stars come out after the awards announcement. We didn’t get to see a damn thing or know who got what. Sheesh. No monitor to let us know what’s going on either. Just sit and wait. Sit & wait.
Ernie:
Me and Min Jung are chilling with two guys from the Nissei Times, one of which is a Filipino photographer.
“Ey,” I whisper to him.
“Do you realize that out of a couple hundred people this building, you’re one of… six Filipinos? There’s you, the four members of Drop-n-Harmony, and Dante Bosco.”
“Six and a half,” my friend Ray interjects. “I’m half Filipino.”
Photographer guy shakes his head and takes more pictures.
MJ:
I’m bored. I think I’ll ask Marie Matiko a stupid interview question since everyone else here is being mega straight up boring.
MJ: Yo Marie. If you had to be in an Aerosmith Video, which one would it be?
MM: Uh do I really have to pick one?
MJ: Ok, nevermind.. maybe I should leave this to the pros.
Suddenly a girly type squeel comes from Ernie sitting next to me. Curtis has entered the building.
Ernie:
Okay, so what if I trashed talked about the Asian guy on Big Brother a couple months before. When it all comes down to it, I am a big sucka. Curtis walks into the Press room, and while everyone else is too busy feeding Rick Yune’s massive ego, I’m making a beeline towards the back of the room. We asked the typical “What are you doing after Big Brother” questions, and so far, so good.
But this is the part where things get different any real Asian journalist would follow this up with, “how did you feel about being a representive of the Asian American community? Did it hurt when all of us talked shit about you while you were living in the house with a bunch of white people and then follow it up by inviting you to a badly organized Asian awards show?”
But no. This is II Stix. We’re amateurs.
I mean, hip and irreverant. So we end the conversations with this instead:
Me: Okay… uhmmmm…. it’s after midnight, and you’re hungry. What do you do?
Curtis: *bewildered look*
Uhmm… well, back in New York, I could always call in for Pizza.
Me: Pizza, huh?! That’s awesome!
Curtis: *bewildered, please don’t kill me look on his face*
*pause*
MJ: Boxers or Briefs?
Curtis: Briefs.
And that’s where I shut off the voice recorder. Everyone who worked on their high school newspaper is sending me death threats now, I can feel it. Ahwell.
MJ:
Wow is it just me or are Rick Yune & Lisa Ling SOO sleeping together…
Ernie:
Dude, they were totally holding hands. How that happened, I don’t even know. Lisa Ling has to talk every morning with Barbara Walters, an old Jewish woman and Star-Diva-Jones, and Rick Yune could barely utter a sentence without saying the phrase “playa hate” and try to get all jiggy with it.
MJ:
So what else much to say? We were pooped and bagged the party and festivities for Saturday night. Personally, I felt like MAASU stuff from college days was more interesting and diverse. I mean, yeah it’s a yuppy thing, but does it have to be so dry? Maybe I missed the cool stuff. It just felt super entertainment heavy and had no impact on me personally whatsoever. Anyways, after seeing Lucy Liu and some other celebs closing up the press room, I went home to go crash. Ernie went out to play
Ernie:
in West Hollywood. (cough) Poor Ray. Ray the hardcore hetero Asian guy walking on Santa Monica Boulevard, trying hard not to get cruised. I still laugh thinking about it. I owe you a drink, buddy. A drink in a gay bar, that is! Muhahahaa (cough) sorry. Where was I?
MJ:
SUNDAY
Wake Up:
Morning thought.
“Hmmm maybe Ernie crashed over at his friends… didn’t heear him come in.”
Turn over (lump on bed next to me, drooling slightly”
Second morning though.
“Good Lord. I slept with Ernie again and didn’t even feel it.”
Ernie:
Oh, there’s so many things I could say here.
But instead, I’ll nod and smile.
MJ:
Third morning thought.
*Yawn*
He kicks me.
Ernie: “You, shower first”.
Me: “Grumble”
After hustling our butts, we got cleaned up, packed up and off for Dim Sum. My hosts Cecilia and Tim took us to this hip but way over crowded Asian shtuff mall. You have no idea how delighted Ernie was when he found DDR Cds. It was sick. I gotta go find a trash can now.
It was a long and quiet drive back. And when we got there, all I could think was
“Yawn. Hello San Francisco. Missed you!”
The Interview with Dante Bosco.
(You know, Dante Bosco. He was Rufio from hook, and he was that Asian guy on Moesha for a little while.)
MJ: This is Min Jung, reporting from the Ammys. Dante Bosco, tell us why you’re here tonight.
DB: Well, first of all, I’m here as a supporter and just being proud of the Asian community. It’s a real honor being here. I’m also here to present an award with my brother Dion for the Animation Award. I’m learning my lines right now. [Whips out with big old sheet of stuff to remember, which involves long ass Asian names no one in their right mind can memorize, especially drunk on Hennessey.] I’m also here to support my brother Darion who is up for an award this year.
EH: Don’t you have a teleprompter to read off of or anything?
DB: Naaaaah. The names are all Japanese, too.
MJ: Okay [Min Jung proceeds to read out the list of names for Dante Bosco, unaware that DB has a bad memory, not illiterate] see? I got ya hooked up.
DB: Thankyaverymuch!
EH: So.. uhm the last movie I saw you in was But I’m a Cheerleader. How did you get involved with that film?
[But I'm a Cheerleader is the movie where a cheerleader goes to Don't-Be-Gay camp. Dante plays a gay wrestler and makes out with some random guy in the movie.]
DB: The director Jamie Babbit came up to me before filming, she offered me this role, and I was kinda hesitant at first. My agent was like “Dante, we know you’re not gay, you know you don’t have to do this film if you don’t want to.” I talked to Jamie, and she was like, “this role is the All-American role in the film, he’s like a jock, you know, the one that’s not gay but he’s he’s gay. Most important, the character is All-American and to me, you’re all American.” The director comes at me and said “there’s a very all-American quality about you. ” I am the boy next door, I am all-American, and you know, work in more scripts that have that quality.
MJ: Can you tell us on some projects that you’re currently working on?
DB: I’m actually working on a film coming on Valentines day called Extreme Days. It’s about four friends, just kicking it we do all these extreme sports, male bonding. A good coming of age film we do all sorts of sports. Motorcross racing, skateboarding, snowboarding. It will be very cool.
MJ: Do you do any of the extreme sports in the movie?
DB: I wish I did the sports, but they had a professional. I’m an actor.
EH: Hey, so I heard this rumor that you went to UC Davis for a while. Is that true?
DB: No.
EH: Are you sure? I heard it a lot.
DB: No.
EH: (Receives evil glare from MJ to drop the UC Davis subject) Oh.
MJ: Anything you’d like to say to the young girls that check out the website? Anything you’d like to say to the female fans that you have that see you on stage and on film? I mean, you are represetin’ as the fine Filipino boy.
DB: To the women? I love women. I hope I get to meet every single one of you.
MJ: Oh my gosh, kiss me on the cheek.
DB kisses MJ:
MJ: OH MY GOD! That just made my night.
(Interview grinds to a halt while MJ swoons over Dante Bosco for the rest of the night)