Hey.
I’m just writing to say I’m sorry.
We’ve both been hurting and instead of doing more silliness to hurt each other by words and unwords, deeds, and undeeds, I’ll just say … yo. My bad. Sorry.
It’s not intended in that “I’m sorry you feel that way” kind of way which, as other folks have written, makes those words cheap and meaningless.
Cuz if you’re going to apologize you should work closer to say
“I am sorry. What I did was responsible for hurting you. I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry that *I* hurt you. I’m sorry that I haven’t been a better person or communicator to you because it wasn’t my intention for things to be this way. I’d like to try and do right by you because you and your feelings are important enough to me that I’d really like the opportunity to be better to you from now on and I hope you’ll let me try.”
Using other words make it cheap and slap blame back on the other. Which is lousy, and worse than attempting any sort of apology whatsoever.
And in kind with the previous post about compliments…apologies do not need to be returned in kind, but are helpful in acknowledging mutual accountability in riffs and chasms that develop between otherwise amazing, kind, and incredibly loving people.
So yeah.
To B. Sorry for having been a bitch to you. I was really hurt. And I lashed out in kind. I didn’t know how to deal with things. I took things out on you. I was totally thoughtless about the position you were in. There’s nothing more that could have been done to have made things better at the time. And I’m sorry for bringing you into my destructive tornado at the time.
To G. Sorry I wasn’t more sensitive and appreciative to you at the time. You were too kind to me and I didn’t feel worthy of that level of kindness so I threw it back in your face. I didn’t know the words to understand my own feelings and that made me ruthlessly careless with yours. I’m hoping your not still bitter or angry at me. And I hope you’ve found someone who is really worthy of your kindness.
To A. I’m so sorry I couldn’t appreciate how wide open and wonderful you were and what an amazing gift in your affection you were presenting to me. No one else has ever told me “I want to be your home entertainment system” on a first date. Or any other date. And that kind of crazy and whimsical magic was something that I was blind to. I’m sorry that things got weird and then distant. You know that if there were such a thing as second chances, I’d do better this time around. I’d really try my best.
To Y. I’m sorry for using my bruised ego as an excuse for the failure of our friendship. It’s totally stupid. I’m like that some times.
To S. Sorry. For everything. Really. I don’t know where to begin. Well, actually I do, but it’s not the place or time to get into it. You know. I know you know.
And to me: I’m sorry for putting you through some of the same lessons you should have learned so long ago. You’d think you’d be better at this by now but nah, go back to square one some times. Of you go. But it’s ok. And you know I won’t say I told you so. But then again I just did again. Sorry. And sorry for beating self up again. It’s really not so much a beratement as a nudge and reminder about making things right.
With arms stretched wide open today, I breathed deep and said aloud
I am open to the goodness of the universe
I am receptive to what the new year will teach me
I am willing to take on new challenges and opportunities
I am ready to forgive and be forgiven, to love and be loved.
And I am willing to recognize that St. Francis had some good shit.
No Comments Yet