My brother asked me…aka the Non Holiday Spirit Christmas Post
My brother called me the other day to ask me what I wanted for Christmas. Since I’m not working in the mall this year, the holiday season has kind of crept up on me unexpectedly. My brother, my fabulous brother. My older brother who has plans to trump me yet again in showering my dearest cute father with gifts this year. My brother the perfect one. The diligent one. The married one. The older brother who makes slightly more money than god. The older brother who has always been charming and boojie. I don’t have insecurity issues though, really. After all, we both agree that I’m the smarter (though lazier) of the two of us, and I got all the rhythm too.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I …blanked… out.
I have a roof over my head, good enough.
I have a new car which I purchased for myself in May, good enough.
I have a decent wardrobe which I’ve tried to inject a little more funk into this year, good enough.
(My gawd, I have to post pictures of my most adorable red shoes and my funktastic hat and spiked wrist warmers, etc.)
I have made it to the eye doctors and gotten myself new glasses, good enough.
I have plenty of music in my life with an obscene # of mp3s, good enough.
I have a computer which is still alive, serves me well, and supplies me with what I need, good enough.
I have a digital camera which I purchased for myself earlier in the year that is still more powerful than I’ll ever need, way more than good enough.
I have traveled happily to visit friends and loved ones, best of all.
I actually have money in my bank account for a rainy day, amazing considering last year’s complete despondent depression from unemployment, very good…
And so what do I really need, or want?
I wonder if I’ve made a step towards nirvana because I’m not really *wanting* anything with any particular hunger, these days.
I have the love of my family, v. good.
I have the affection & compassion of good friends, v.good.
I feel relatively secure and comfortable with my life and my lifestyle, v.good.
I feel God still close to me, even at my crankiest, especially when I’m at my worst, best.
After a moment of fumbling with ideas of what I should answer, I considered this…
My stepsister of the last 6 years is a woman whom I’ve never met. I got her holiday card in the mail the other day and was thinking that I am a miserable lazy lout with a lack of holiday spirit since I never send out cards or greetings. She’s getting married next year. My brother’s never met her either.
“Can you promise that we’ll all go to B’s wedding next year?”
“She’s engaged?”
“Yeah. She’s getting married next November. Tampa.”
“How do you know this?”
“Christmas card. Save the date.”
“Um, K.”
And really, that’s pretty much all I need for Christmas.
I’ve bought my one holiday gift of the year for my Dad. My brother expects nothing from me. He’s used to me being the poor and thoughtless one in the family. I think most of my friends are too as I’m lazy and despise crowds if it’s an effort to show that I care for people. Don’t I do enough of that all year round? I’d like to believe that I do, but perhaps next year I’ll make a little more effort.
I’ve said it before. Christmas just doesn’t’ feel like Christmas anymore without my Mom around. I guess that back then, the family would all be squabbling in the livingroom as we put up the artificial tree, decorated with lights & ornaments that we purchased from KMart back in 1980 when we first moved into our home. There would be snow. There would be feasting. We’d argue over the remote control. We’d eat. We’d nap. We’d open our presents from each other without ceremony. Piecemeal. Pretty much as soon as we got home from the store. Sometimes we wouldn’t even wrap them. We’d go to mass together and make fun of the parents at our church who every year, would try to top the production/play of the year before. My brother & I would fall asleep as the church choirs, dressed in black & white and representing each suburb in the Greater Detroit Area, competed with each other.
Have you ever heard 6 hours of “In Excelcis Deo” in a thick Korean Accent?
It’s only entertaining for the first 5 minutes. Maybe.
Mass would be long, and in Korean. We’d pinch each other to try & stay awake. We’d go home. We’d pray. And that was Christmas.
Do I miss it? Yes & no. To some degree, maybe I never really had the Christmas spirit in the first place, so what is there to miss? I never believed in Santa. Though no one told me this, I always assumed that Santa was only for white kids and not me. We never laid out cookies for him. Carols were a chore and I’ve never enjoyed singing them (6 hours of “In Excelsis Deo” is probably to blame) and the lights, the shopping, the presents, the traditions…well…they all seemed pretty contrived and lame. To much degree, I still think they are.
The roommate got me a present. Gave it to me yesterday. Lacking wrapping paper, it was enfolded in a Vanilla Coke cardboard & taped with duct tape. It’s cute. I asked him if I should open it or wait until Christmas. “What do you mean?” “I dunno. This might be my only Christmas present this year” Dad got me a blanket but he bought that in March…got it over thanksgiving. It wasn’t wrapped, and that’s fine. “Open it. I’m sure it won’t be the *only* thing you get”. “Sure.”
We watched Ice Age last night and that made me smile from the inside out. And it’s not even Christmas. But maybe that’s ok.
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