Is it a crime?
Is it a crime to want to opt out of the whole 9/11 thing?
It’s not because I’m a cynic or because I’m making some sort of political or anti-political statements. It’s not because I don’t care. It’s not because I’m un-American. It’s not because I don’t feel loss. It’s not because I have no sense of empathy or respect. It’s not because I’m pro war or pro peace or pro anything. Nor am I feeling really anti-anything.
It’s because after one year, I still don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel. I know that I want to cry. I can feel my nose swell up as I type. I could cry so easily. If I let myself, I could cry for the next few days straight. But, well, I can’t let myself. I just can’t.
I know I feel a massive sense of rawness in me. And to confront it, well…it’s like taking a piece of broken glass to pick off a scab that hasn’t quite healed yet, and will likely scar fiercely.
To be honest, I’m a very simple girl and I’m weak. I would rather run away from the big scary world for a few days and immerse myself in any number of Studio Ghibli Anime flicks that are simple, sweet, and still refreshingly hopeful in their wide eyed bemusement of simple things. Simple tendernesses. Small lives. Sweet joys. Those films weave a warm little net around your heart. And that’s about all I can handle right now.
For the next 48 hours I plan to put myself in a media-free cocoon. I can’t handle this any other way right now.
I’m sorry.
And if you tell me that it’s a crime, or that I’m a coward, or that I’m weak, then go ahead and tell me so. I know already that it’s true and you’re right. I just can’t handle this any other way right now. I really can’t. And I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry.
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