I lied.
I lied
I told myself that this weekend was going to be a slow weekend. That I planned to ground myself and sort things out in my head. That I would catch up, clean up, and do mundane little tasks while I let the subconscious churn through all the meanderings that have been distracting my predominant conscious throughout the day. I told myself “Hey Self….take all the time you need to sort through this whole detachment from the universe thing. You’ve earned it. Do it.” I told myself that I would behave, relish in antisocial meanderings, and spoil myself. I said “Hey Self… you want to spend a good hour or so in the hottub before potpie gets back from China, right? This is the weekend for suds.”
Woops.
So Friday night I went back to bible study. It had been too long and they wanted a full report of my insane adventures. I didn’t really have much I felt like sharing. We spent twenty minutes in solitude and silence, trying to have some very present and intimate time with God. I spent time with God wondering why I felt like such a jerk these days and how come I didn’t understand where I was. What I’ve been feeling has been a little weird. Not like anything is wrong. There’s no real impetus to my funk. And to call it a funk is an exaggeration in it of itself. It’s just…being 5% off. I don’t mean to say that I’ve been feeling like I’m on sale or anything. More to say that I’ve been feeling that my path has been skewed by a miniscule number of degrees and the longer that I let it go, the greater the deviation from my set path. That’s what I mean.
In terms of “going through the motions of having emotions” I’d say it’s been an odd sense of…feeling unsettled in my own skin and own head. I second guess my emotions, my actions, my behavior, and my thoughts. I consider myself at a point of potentially hurtful irresponsibility in terms of relaying myself with authenticity to those around me and to those that are very important to me. So I feel detached and I want to recluse myself for a bit until I get it sorted out. I explained to my bible study, and they accepted with full candor, acceptance and love, that what I’m feeling is odd. It’s not an identity crisis or depression or anything like that. It’s just an odd sense of doubt. I’ve lacked confidence or conviction with any of the personal decisions/actions/emotion that I’ve had of late. I didn’t’ expect a solution. I didn’t expect counseling. Nor did I really want either from the group. But knowing how much they love me and accept me for whom I am, I was utterly frank with the state of cloud that I’ve been in with them. It was revealed through some inquiry, that the only emotion I’ve felt with any level of vigor over the last few months has been anger. This clouded by the guilt of trying to be a good Christian may be part of what’s been making me feel clouded/guarded/blocked from the other emotions/passions that tend to be far more vocal in my state of mind.
So this weekend was *supposed* to be a retreat. Woops.
Today:
Eye Doctors Appointment: 3 hours.
It’s been three years since I’ve had vision insurance. My glasses were far overdue for replacement as I’ve had a safety pin holding together the left ear piece for the last year or so. This and an updated contact exam. And I’ve found myself a nerdy new pair of purple glasses for nighttime reading. Delight oh my soul.
Haircut: 1 hour.
The elevator to Nikas’ salon would of course be broken. So not only am I running amok, and running slightly behind to see my favorite rockstar stylist, but I have to haul ass 4 blocks away from the nearest parking structure and *up* 12 fricking flights of stairs to get my hair cut. In heels. Damn it, he’s worth all that and my haircut looks fabu, but damn skippy, my dogs are barking now.
Birthday Dinner, Korean BBQ: 2.5 hours
Happy birthday to Adam. He’s one of the coolest folks I know and I had a great time catching up with people, eating obscene amounts of meat (both barbequed and totally raw…it’s a Korean dish and it’s damn tasty. F*ck the Mad Cow Disease), and talking about vestigial peculiarities in human anatomy. It first started with discussions on third/fourth nipples. Then Adam upped the ante by talking about his friend who has vestigial tear ducts in her neck. (I can only imagine her watching the English Patient and dabbing at her eyes and then for a profuse period of time underneath her neck in some discreet fold of neck waddle). And then I topped it all by mentioning a girl I know who’s got two vagina’s because she was supposed to be born a twin.
Bachelor/Bachelorette Charity Auction: 4 hours
I wasn’t going to go. I really wasn’t going to go. But instead of being straight out flaky, I considered the possibility of fate/providence and drove past the venue. I promised myself that if there was accessible parking, I’d step in for a bit. If it was tough to find, I’d just head home because I really didn’t need to go *that* badly. Go figure, a parking spot opened up in front of me about 15 steps from the door of the club. Providence. Fate. Serendipity. Whatever. Talked to nice folks, caught up with good friends, and drank some tasty mojitos.
So tomorrow’s another day to redeem myself with solitude/meditation? One would think, but alas, I’ve promised to swing by the San Jose Jazz Festival. Perhaps sometime tomorrow evening, I’ll get a minor respite and get more of the pieces back in place.
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