Happy Birthday (one day late, sorry love) to ze Lusciuos Cyn!
Off to a busy friday and a long and busy holiday weekend.
Cheers.
Happy Birthday (one day late, sorry love) to ze Lusciuos Cyn!
Off to a busy friday and a long and busy holiday weekend.
Cheers.
Terrified of Amnesia
Simu-audioblog
I’m finding myself running desperately after memories these days. It’s not unlike trying to remember the distinct details, curves, and graces on the face of someone in a passing train.
Not that my life is so important, or the people in them so extraordinary. But the fact remains that they are so very very important to me.
Today I lost my equilibrium because I couldn’t remember what my mother’s hair smelled like. After a few moments of panic, clawing through the wreckage that is my brain, tossing memories around as if they were sheaves of paper or mountains of October maple leaves, I finally calmed myself after retrieving a ridiculously simple sensory memory. She was always fond of Suave’s Strawberry shampoo.
I forget how long it had been since I’d gone for a walk with my father. I forget the street names in my neighborhood. I forget the names and faces from high school. I forgot that I had once learned how to knit. Or that I had taken modeling classes at some point. Or that I would cry during dodgeball. I forget birthdays. I sometimes forget appointments. I forget where I’ve placed things. I forget to breathe sometimes.
My journals, started somewhere in 1979 or so, were to record memories…but now with a public journal I’m terrified about the things that I want desperately to remember in all their terrible, glorious and intimate details. Unfortunately, for one reason or another I can’t publish them. I can’t create a personal artifact for future self archeological diggings. I could pose them here as fiction, or hearsay, or something that happened to the proverbial friend, but even then, it would be false in the re-reading and recall of that particular memory, failing to be properly seated in the first person.
I did this.
I felt this.
I wanted this.
And this, this made me weep in a way that made my shoulders shake. This made me want to run and hide in my bedroom closet beneath a stack of thick blankets while I covered my ears…just like I did when my parents used to fight when I was a child.
I had a dream last night of suffocating. It’d been about 4 years since I had that dream. Of the weight of my blanket, over my chest becoming heavier, thicker, and with a distinct mass of a body on top of me that started to crush my chest and sank my body into the mattress as it slowly became darker and darker and darker.
I called in sick to work today. A pounding headache that demanded rest, comfort, and staring out the window as the sun light slowly blessed the trees outside.Still in bed at 11, with my head turned towards an outside world that makes me feel ever so small, I was only wishing that those sweet memories, I could file again neatly in my head. Others, I wished I could burn.
100 Things about 100 Bloggers (and here’s my hack at it)
Personal History/Trivia
1. I have an English/Catholic name of Julia
2. My Korean name used to be Kyung Ha but was changed to Min Jung
3. My grandmother delivered me in our home in Korea
4. My family emigrated to the US in December of 1975
5. I was the adopted granddaughter of Polish neighbors in Detroit between 1976-1980
6. I could read in English by the time I was 4
7. I can barely read in Korean but only phonetically and don’t have much vocabulary cognition in Korean
8. My older brother Michael used to call me by the nicknames of “Milkweed” or “Big Mouth”
9. For most of my childhood my weight was 10 X the grade that I was in. 3rd grade =30 lbs, 4th grade = 40 lbs, 5th grade = 50 lbs. Up through 10th grade.
10. I became a US citizen in 1980.
Elementary School Memories
11. I started attending Alternative Classes for the Academically Talented for elementary school.
12. I starred in an elementary school play as Persephone in “It’s All Greek To Me”
13. I still remember lines from that play.
14. My elementary school crushes were on Chris Jelenewski and Colin Stockton. One had puppy dog brown eyes and the other a gorgeous redhead with loads of freckles.
15. The only time my brother got into fights was to protect me.
16. I started wearing glasses in the 3rd grade. Thick ones.
17. My parents took us to the library every week and we’d complete reading 8-10 books every week. Even during the summers.
18. I started plucking my eyebrows in the 6th grade.
19. I made my first TV appearance as part of a intercultural youth choir of Detroit Area Catholics during the Pope’s visit to Detroit ~ 1984.
20. And yes, I still remember the song lyrics for that visit as well. Plus I got to meet Aretha Franklin.
Family
21. My father is only 5′ 4. My mother was 5’2. I am 5’6 and my brother is 5’10.
22. I met my maternal grandparents for the first time since leaving Korea when I was 12. My maternal Grandmother is under 5 feet tall.
23. I have never met my paternal grandparents.
24. My mother had naturally light complexion with light skin and naturally medium brown hair. I take after her in that respect.
25. My mom could sew nearly anything and made 2 of my high school formal gowns
26. My father is an amazing cook and learned his skills while in the Korean Navy
27. My father was a Math teacher in Korea and pumped gas for a few years when we moved to the states.
28. My mother did not graduate high school but had a talent for drawing
29. They had an arranged marriage. They were not *in* love but they grew to love each other deeply.
30. My mom couldn’t sing. My dad could. My brother & I take after my mom.
Sibling Rivalry
31. My brother is First Son of First Son et all. He is the first grandson of this generation for both sides of the family.
32. As I am neither of those, plus a girl, I felt fearsome jealousy of my brother’s privilege while growing up.
33. My brother has my Dad’s complexion and my mother’s bone structure. I have my mom’s complexion and dad’s bone structure. We look nothing alike.
34. We went to the same junior high school and had the same teachers who would compare us often.
35. I ruined my brother’s 15th birthday slumber party by staying up late and sitting under the dining room table watching the boys for hours.
36. Upset that my brother had the right to spank me when babysitting, I once ran into a wall on purpose, went crying to my parents and blamed him for not watching me.
37. My brother and I used to watch WWF before going to church each Sunday. He perfected the Figure Four lock on me. I had a crush or Ricky the Dragon Steamboat.
38. My mom’s side of the family has jacked up teeth. So does my Dad’s side. My brother got the worst of both. These teeth issues negated themselves out with me and I have perfectly straight teeth without ever having needed braces. I don’t even have wisdom teeth that will ever need to be pulled.
39. My brother makes approx 10 X what I make. But he also looks twice as old as I do for being only 6 years older.
40. I love my brother a lot. He claims I am the smart one but undisciplined and lazy. He might be right.
Fame? Uh…sort of I guess.
41. In high school I had an essay published in the Detroit Freepress regarding Asian Bashing ~1992
42. This propelled me to have a panel spot on Kelly & Company, a local TV talk show.
43. I won my first and only poetry competition during my Senior year in High School. I suppose I should submit more still.
44. I wrote an underground newspaper leaflet that criticized another underground newspaper. It was titled “Put up or Shut up”
45. As a journalist for ii Stix, I have met nearly the complete cast of the Joy Luck Club
46. I have had my poetry included in an audio compilation/cd.
47. I am the cam model for Yahoo Geocities
48. I write two columns. One can be found on II Stix. The other can be found at KoreAmJournal (Print mag)
49. I was asked earlier this year if I would like to be a guest on the Berman & Berman show for the Discovery Health Channel. The subject? Born Again Virginity.
50. I’ve been told I’m a famous diva. Only delusional do I believe this to be true. Really though, I’m still just a dork with a keyboard.
On Faith
51. My family is first generation Catholic. My Dad converted in the Navy and made my Mom convert before he’d marry her.
52. My catholic name Julia, comes from a Saint who would rather die than lose her virginity.
53. My baptism & confirmation names are the same.
54. During my first communion, the girl sitting to my right caught her veil on fire with her lit candle. It was wack.
55. I’m not good about going to Church regularly but I do go to a bible study (sort of regularly too)
56. I have seen a real, true to life possession first hand.
57. My family used to do a rosary together every night for several years.
58. I say little prayers nearly every day. At the least, just for thanks.
59. I used to be a Sunday School Teacher, and a program coordinator with my youthgroup and was on the team for Lighthouse, a Korean Young Adult group for the bay area.
60. Yes, I really do believe.
Organizations
61. In High School I won a varsity pin for Model United Nations.
62. I never won any high school elections that I ran in.
63. In college I was president of the Korean Students Association. Even though I couldn’t speak Korean.
64. I was also a member of FASA – Filipino American Students Association even though I’m definitely not Filipino.
65. I was East Region Communications chair for MAASU.
66. I was Midwest Region chair for Korean Intercollegiate Network.
67. I helped to found the UM chapter of aKDPhi during my senior year in college.
68. I once had a registered membership card as a Republican
69. I am currently not officially involved/in a leadership role/ with any organization.
70. Yes, I know I overdosed on the APA organizations.
Food & Drinks
71. So far as I know, I’m not allergic to anything.
72. My favorite dessert is Tiramisu.
73. My favorite icecream is plain old chocolate.
74. My favorite drink (this week) is still the Triple WoOoT
75. I can cook Osso Bucco. From scratch.
76. I have thrown successful dinner parties feeding up to 16 people at a time.
77. Just the smell of tequila makes me nauseous
78. I once threw up merely at the sight of cold spaghetti (I had seen Poltergeist the week before)
79. My favorite cuisine are Korean & Japanese
80. I sometimes get headaches after eating Pho.
Music/Film
81. My favorite band of all time is the Police
82. I love watching the band Goldfinger in concert
83. This Friday I’m going to go watch Save Ferris with my pal Eric
84. My fave non-classy film is Big Trouble in Little China
85. I can quote more than is right from the flicks “The Princess Bride” and “When Harry Met Sally”
86. Favorite foreign films include Cinema Paradiso, Shall We Dance, My Secret Cache, On a Hot Roof, and Muriel’s Wedding.
87. I still haven’t started writing my screen play.
88. I know two cool rockers personally. Howard who is in TheSingles and Brian who is in Conquistador
89. I was an extra for Matrix II & III.
90. I can’t act to save my life and I have tremendous stage fright.
Romance/Sex
91. There are only three men who I have considered myself truly in love with. In 2007 I found the love of my life over a glass (or 9) of Scotch. His name is Jason. And we were married in December of 2008.
92. I’ve kissed over 10 X the number of men who I’ve considered myself truly in love with. I now only kiss people on the cheek. Lots of them.
93. At this time, I refuse to disclose how many of those men I kissed this year. Damn. I used to be such a kiss slut.
94. I have kissed girls. A Japanese bisexual, a Chinese lesbian, and a Korean bicurious girl. and a few others.
95. I lost my virginity when I was 18.
96. I believe in safe sex and support pro-choice.
97. I’m a flirtaholic. I refuse to go to a 12 step program for this, however. I am guilty of flirting shamelessly with my husband every day.
98. I am not in close contact/friends with any of my exes.
99. I’ve been proposed to twice, but not by anyone whom I’d actually dated or would marry. No rings either time. I proposed to Jason and confirmed it with an Outlook Meeting request. He accepted and then we called our parents because we’re dorky geeks that way.
100. I’ve gotten over my 3.5 year celibacy hump. No, I will not provide any other details. As of March 2009 editing this, I’ll just say that pretty much no one wants to hear about an 8 month long pregnant lady having sex.
- Updated 3/09
Most recent convo with my dad.
Simu-audioblog
“You… you you you!”
“What Dad?”
“You…Aigooo.. I see yoh articurl in magajean dis week“
“Yes Dad?”
“Nobody want you.”
“What?”
“Because how you write. Nobody want you.“
I tried to laugh it off.
“You’re right dad. Of course no one wants me. No one wanted me before I started writing and even fewer want me now. So what’s the big deal?”
“Aigoo… because now ebery body know.”
“They already knew, Daddy.”
“Aigooo.”
“I love you too Dad. “
“Aishe..”
“You’re proud of me aren’t you?”
“Ebery month I read. You know I pay 2 year subscription?”
“Yes Dad. You tell me every time the new issue comes out.”
“Yeah. I proud of you. Just you so funny looking all the time and write strange thing.”
“It’s what I’m good at.”
“Why you so strange daughter?”
“Strange Daddy.”
“Aigoo.”
“You know I’m right, huh?”
“Shut up.”
“I love you too Daddy.”
In other news?
Emotional/Psychological house cleaning. Very important.
It’s safe to say that the soft onion is mine.
I don’t cook often enough. And in my household, the only groceries that I can confidently claim as my own are those that I’ve labeled and purchased expressly for an evening where I’m planning on entertaining. My housemates tend to purchase and monitor the state of their fresh foodstuffs on a more regular basis.
I should either commit to cooking on a more regular basis or going with the completely nuclear shelter type cuisine that has a longer shelf life than I do.
What’s worse than getting spam?
Getting spam from fucking losers.
So did I tell you that I almost picked a fight with a jerk on Saturday while in my inebriated condition? Oh gracious my. Big surprise to me on Saturday night to hit a party where two my my gal roommates and their lovely friend M were sitting at a table chilling and talking. We were scoping out the guys, playing a game of 10s (That’s where the group of chicks collectively scope out the 10 men who pass our table and we have to call out a claim on one. If you don’t claim one by the time then 10th one cruises by, you’re *stuck* with #10. It’s kind of like the Korean “Elevatoring” dating notion. Alas with these gals, there is no actual followup. You don’t even have to *talk* to the one you lay claim on. Whatever, not much ballsiness with these ladies, but they’re pretty cool regardless).
The running joke was that since I knew so many more of the folks at the party that the four of us ladies should sit in our booth and keep a chair open to audition any of my dude friends who happened to swing by, sit, and chat with us all. It was a game in jest to pass the time. I’m not *that* much of a diva. I’m just a girl and a relatively normal one at that. I returned from the bathroom to find a particularly uncouth dude sitting at our chair.
C & S & M, the gals who were stuck with someone that none in the group entertained to claim, poked me in the ribs and asked me if I could get the guy to leave.
I introduced myself to him under a pseudonym. Asked him kindly if he’d be so kind as to leave. He responded belligerently “Hey. Ok. So I’m not from California and I don’t know too much about the Asian scene but where I’m from in Florida…if you’re at a bar and you don’t want to talk to someone then *you* leave.”
So I responded. “Um.. ok. So you came, uninvited, to our table that we four were sitting at, minding our own business…and because *you* come, and make *us* four uncomfortable, *WE* have to leave?!”
He responded. “Well yeah.”
And I responded. “Uh.. no I don’t think so.”
To which he repeated his point with more volume.
The girls picked up their drinks and left for the neighboring table.
I walked over with one of my drinks and looked the fellow in the eye and said. “I hope you’re very pleased with yourself.”
I turned and dropped off one of the drinks from my table to the new table. I turned around to see this guy sulking in the seat by himself. He stood up, took the remaining drink from the table and threw it across the booth, all over the table and onto the seats.
My gal pals decided to leave the party shortly afterwards with a sour taste in their mouths from the incident. I later track down the guy, yank off my earrings and tell him that he’s an asshole and needs to learn some manners. Not only does he owe me an apology and to replace the drink, but to learn some serious etiquette. I lost my temper and cussed out his friend who tried to be managing the whole episode with as much composure over the issue as possible. Other dudes who witnessed the incident offered to buy all of us ladies a drink or whatever to cool me off but I wanted desperately to get the asshole expelled from the party. The jerk, the whole time, denying that he’d tossed my drink or acted in anyway inappropriately. It became a ridiculous “He Said” “She Said” issue and I’m rather embarrassed at myself for losing my temper like that.
After talking to the party promoter of the evening, he introduced me to the jerk.
“You owe me an apology.”
“Fine. I apologize.”
“You threw my drink. You owe me a drink.”
“I didn’t throw your drink. I didn’t see that.”
“I saw you throw my drink.”
After discussion with another friend the jerk finally asked if he could replace my drink. (Never apologizing or admitting that he’d spilled it in the first place)
Being angry and drinking your third long island ice tea is not a good combo. You tend to drink it too quickly which ultimately led to my undoing.
So I wanted to leave that little episode of jerkitude in the past but alas. Today’s spam for desperate single Asian American men.
From: “alexchiu2″
Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 01:41:56 -0000
Subject: Come to SFasian.com
Hi, this is Alex, the group organizer of Asian Singles’ Club of San Francisco. http://sfasian.com
Our group meets once or twice a month in San Francisco. We usually meet at a night club, a restaurant, or at somebody’s house for a BBQ or a pot luck. Sometimes, we will go roller blading at Golden Gate Park. Usually, 25 – 40 people would show up in every meeting. At least 85% of people who show up are asians. This is the best way for you to meet guys because so many guys will come to our meeting. You get to choose the ones that you like! Most of them are around 20 – 30 year-old. Everyone are very polite and easy to talk to.
You don’t have to be an asian to come to our meeting. But I hope that you are interested in meeting asians.
All you have to pay is your own expenses. For example, if we meet at a restaurant, you have to pay for your own food. If we meet at a dance club, you have to pay for your own ticket. If we do pot luck or BBQ at somebody’s house, you have to bring some food or help pay for the meat that we grill. If we go roller-blading, you have to buy your own roller-blades or rent one at Golden Gate Park.
When ever we have a meeting, we will notify our members via email. We will email you the date and the time of the meeting, where we meet, and what do we do. So if you would like to be on our mailing list, please visit http://sfasian.com .Then when ever there is an event, we will email you. Thanks.
PS. I don’t recommend actually visiting the website unless you enjoy an insane flurry of ugly popup ads. But then again… I have absolutely no qualms with directing any rice queens to the events that they host. After all…”This is the best way for you to meet guys because so many guys will come to our meeting. You get to choose the ones that you like! Most of them are around 20 – 30 year-old. Everyone are very polite and easy to talk to. “
Puah ha ha.
Promises with the full intent to break them sometime this decade.
I shall NOT drink this much *ever* again.
You know what’s bad? Drinking so much that you’re still drunk when you wake up. At 3 in the afternoon the next day. After having thrown up the evening before. After nearly picking a fight with a dipshit that’s about a foot taller than you.
Yeah.
The long island ice teas are cruel cruel cruel.
And the spittle on my face from the drool drool drool
do not a pretty picture make of this otherwise dignified miss
Hung over and much looking like a fool fool fool.
Oy. *Boy* did I overindulge. More updates forthcoming after I drink another gallon of water.
It’s a good day and today I’m the Guest Curator at the Mirror Project.
Yum.
Something that made me laugh today.
In convo with the Sexual Mysterioso regarding the notions of threesomes & the such.
Moi: “Um… if I have performance anxiety when having sex with one person, then I could barely handle the tension & anxiety having sex with two. Bejebus.. I’m not even sure I’ve got it down straight with one person anyways.”
SM: “Now Min Jung, I mean this in the most honestly sweet and kindest way possible. I bet you’re a great lay. Honest.”
Moi: “Awww how sweet and kind of you to say that. No really!”
… later …
Moi: “Ok… I gotta go now…after all this talk…maybe I’ve got a bit of potentiality of getting laid.”
SM: “My gawd you’re dumping me! You’re going off and dumping me and going to get laid with someone else.”
Moi: “Ok. Now that’s jacked up. You just had sex and you’re be*grudging* me?! That’s so jacked up!. If I’m dumping you it’s because you cheated on me! TWICE! What kind of jacked up double standard is *that*?!”
SM: “You’re dumping me!”
Moi: “Fine. I’m dumping you. Now I *really* gotta go get laid.”
Except *we* all know how likely *that* really is.
*cough*
Like I didn’t have enough to do.
Big Blogger.
Hold on to your buttcheeks it’s going to be a rocky ride.
I lied
I told myself that this weekend was going to be a slow weekend. That I planned to ground myself and sort things out in my head. That I would catch up, clean up, and do mundane little tasks while I let the subconscious churn through all the meanderings that have been distracting my predominant conscious throughout the day. I told myself “Hey Self….take all the time you need to sort through this whole detachment from the universe thing. You’ve earned it. Do it.” I told myself that I would behave, relish in antisocial meanderings, and spoil myself. I said “Hey Self… you want to spend a good hour or so in the hottub before potpie gets back from China, right? This is the weekend for suds.”
Woops.
So Friday night I went back to bible study. It had been too long and they wanted a full report of my insane adventures. I didn’t really have much I felt like sharing. We spent twenty minutes in solitude and silence, trying to have some very present and intimate time with God. I spent time with God wondering why I felt like such a jerk these days and how come I didn’t understand where I was. What I’ve been feeling has been a little weird. Not like anything is wrong. There’s no real impetus to my funk. And to call it a funk is an exaggeration in it of itself. It’s just…being 5% off. I don’t mean to say that I’ve been feeling like I’m on sale or anything. More to say that I’ve been feeling that my path has been skewed by a miniscule number of degrees and the longer that I let it go, the greater the deviation from my set path. That’s what I mean.
In terms of “going through the motions of having emotions” I’d say it’s been an odd sense of…feeling unsettled in my own skin and own head. I second guess my emotions, my actions, my behavior, and my thoughts. I consider myself at a point of potentially hurtful irresponsibility in terms of relaying myself with authenticity to those around me and to those that are very important to me. So I feel detached and I want to recluse myself for a bit until I get it sorted out. I explained to my bible study, and they accepted with full candor, acceptance and love, that what I’m feeling is odd. It’s not an identity crisis or depression or anything like that. It’s just an odd sense of doubt. I’ve lacked confidence or conviction with any of the personal decisions/actions/emotion that I’ve had of late. I didn’t’ expect a solution. I didn’t expect counseling. Nor did I really want either from the group. But knowing how much they love me and accept me for whom I am, I was utterly frank with the state of cloud that I’ve been in with them. It was revealed through some inquiry, that the only emotion I’ve felt with any level of vigor over the last few months has been anger. This clouded by the guilt of trying to be a good Christian may be part of what’s been making me feel clouded/guarded/blocked from the other emotions/passions that tend to be far more vocal in my state of mind.
So this weekend was *supposed* to be a retreat. Woops.
Today:
Eye Doctors Appointment: 3 hours.
It’s been three years since I’ve had vision insurance. My glasses were far overdue for replacement as I’ve had a safety pin holding together the left ear piece for the last year or so. This and an updated contact exam. And I’ve found myself a nerdy new pair of purple glasses for nighttime reading. Delight oh my soul.
Haircut: 1 hour.
The elevator to Nikas’ salon would of course be broken. So not only am I running amok, and running slightly behind to see my favorite rockstar stylist, but I have to haul ass 4 blocks away from the nearest parking structure and *up* 12 fricking flights of stairs to get my hair cut. In heels. Damn it, he’s worth all that and my haircut looks fabu, but damn skippy, my dogs are barking now.
Birthday Dinner, Korean BBQ: 2.5 hours
Happy birthday to Adam. He’s one of the coolest folks I know and I had a great time catching up with people, eating obscene amounts of meat (both barbequed and totally raw…it’s a Korean dish and it’s damn tasty. F*ck the Mad Cow Disease), and talking about vestigial peculiarities in human anatomy. It first started with discussions on third/fourth nipples. Then Adam upped the ante by talking about his friend who has vestigial tear ducts in her neck. (I can only imagine her watching the English Patient and dabbing at her eyes and then for a profuse period of time underneath her neck in some discreet fold of neck waddle). And then I topped it all by mentioning a girl I know who’s got two vagina’s because she was supposed to be born a twin.
Bachelor/Bachelorette Charity Auction: 4 hours
I wasn’t going to go. I really wasn’t going to go. But instead of being straight out flaky, I considered the possibility of fate/providence and drove past the venue. I promised myself that if there was accessible parking, I’d step in for a bit. If it was tough to find, I’d just head home because I really didn’t need to go *that* badly. Go figure, a parking spot opened up in front of me about 15 steps from the door of the club. Providence. Fate. Serendipity. Whatever. Talked to nice folks, caught up with good friends, and drank some tasty mojitos.
So tomorrow’s another day to redeem myself with solitude/meditation? One would think, but alas, I’ve promised to swing by the San Jose Jazz Festival. Perhaps sometime tomorrow evening, I’ll get a minor respite and get more of the pieces back in place.
Yes, I know.
I really need to clean up some areas of my site.
Links
Writing (New at KoreAm…an article by yours trully)
PIx
Fix the webcam
Archives.
Do *something* with specials.
Bejebus.
I’ll get to it.
Rules of Thumb.
#1. Don’t believe *anyone* who isn’t willing to provide a real email address for themselves. If you can’t be held accountable for your words/deeds/statements/etc. then the odds are high that you’re a liar.
#2. Don’t ever, ever, ever f*ck with me. But I’m a nice person. Really. It takes forever to get me riled up but once I’m pissed and your on my shit list, you are *never* going to get off without some serious ammends.
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