I’ve been indulging overmuch in activities and purchase of late. In retrospect, I suppose that it’s been in efforts to distract me from recognizing how totally burnt out I have been feeling. Still strapped for time, personal space, energy, and a moment of peace. I’m trying to pause for a moment to breathe, pray for a few seconds to say thanks, and to not let the ridiculous little bumps of the day steal my sunshine.
Note to self: No one can steal your sunshine if you don’t let them.
I remember a time long ago when I had so much time on my hands, and so much panic in my heart. So long ago? Nyah, actually just last year. I prayed and recognized that I should appreciate the time and space for stillness because they are few and far between within the span of one’s life and that once I got going again, it would be a while until I would have that leisure and luxury. How true how true these things have come to pass.
I have successfully shed the panic in my heart from last year, but the moment of peace, I continue to covet it and steal away to it when I can. No music, no phone calls, just listening to the quiet. Do you know how lovely it is to listen to the night when you sleep in the midst of a forest? The air presses down on the trees and there is only a whisper of wind that shuffles through leaves and the hair of star gazing silly girls like myself. It’s nice to grab a moment of calm to just listen to yourself breathe and to your heart beat. When focusing quietly, I can feel the pulse beating in my neck through the skin, and in, of all places, my thumbs.
I consider my thumbs with special care now. Not only do they have the special honor of being a component in the anthropological definition of that which is human, for me, they press down rather frequently on the space button when I’m typing. Humanity. Space. And the occasional suck for comfort. How sweet the thumb is and how silly and precious it is to be able to really feel my pulse in such a little pair of things.
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I wanted to hear your voice today. Especially your laugh. I think that would have been quite nice.
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