Tragic
Terrible weaknesses
I was chatting with a marvelous girlfriend of mine about crimes of stupidity that we’ve committed. Namely, curling up next to a warm body just cuz it’s easily accessible and we’re feeling lame and chilly in either heart, spirit, or toes. These bodies, have, on occasion been attached to individuals who exhibit exemplary poor form and bring us down to the most ridiculously banal and childish levels. For this, we both would love to plead temporary insanity. In truth, it’s humanity at its most base. To say I’m embarrassed by these crimes in the past, is a gross understatement. And no, drugs nor drink nor hormones were not involved (most of the time…ha ha).
Sometimes you just want someone to be there. To hold you. To not say a word and to be there with you when you can’t manage to be alone. In spite of your best judgement, and the howling cries of character & integrity, you give in to that terrible weakness of physical comfort. Then you hate yourself for being weak. And you hate yourself for needing someone. And you hate yourself for not being able to be more to the other person. And then you hate the other person for wanting you. And then, and then, and then. And then, well, you just hate the other person because it’s easier than hating yourself anymore.
Which is not to say that the other person isn’t worthy of wrath (yours or any multitude of other individuals) for a stack of other reasons, but one of the highest ones on your list may be because they remind you of when you were weak. You’d rather forget the whole thing ever happened and the individual whom you used, yes used, for that base creature comfort, would just blow away like the smoke from a stale cigarette.
These days I find myself better off in the comfortable company of a cold beer. What it lacks in animal comforts and tender though temporary warmth, it makes up for in solitary dignity.
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