I was talking with Dave tonight about the odd conjunction of online vs offline lives.
These days I’m wondering if I can tell the difference anymore. Back in the day, my journal was a place where I wrote my innermost thoughts and laid out the intimate disclosures of my heart. Vitriol, manic, morose, and more often than not extremely subdued. My audience was perhaps 30 readers and I got a wopping 40 hits per day. Of which at least half of those were from me, just making sure that it posted correctly. I was more honest then. Less censored and censured. It wasn’t so much about entertainment value as a real and true journal of the details that rolled around in my head like so many loose coins in a worn cotton pocket. Things have changed here in minjungkim land for a number of reasons.
#1. With a bigger audience grows a greater sensitivity to the existence of the audience.
I find myself writing less and less for me and more and more for the readers who I may, or may not know. Is it really fair to myself to allow that intimate disclosure to individuals who now feel that they know me so much better than I know myself. Worse yet, much more than I know them which gives me the odd sense of vulnerability when I receive emails from them or even more peculiar, meet them in real life, either accidentally or planned. I must say that it’s a rather odd experience. At times it almost feels unfair.
“So how’s your day?”
“Oh mine was fine.”
“…so aren’t you going to ask me how mine was?”
“Nah, I already know. Read about it earlier this morning.”
“Hmph.”
In terms of relationships with friends, peers, etc., it makes me feel at a distinct disadvantage. This has come in to play more than once with individuals who I considered as potential romantic candidates who discovered my blog or whom I met because of it. This is additionally due to a few challenges. I’m not always who I portray myself on this site. And yes, sometimes I portray myself in ways that I’d like to be seen and other times I reveal more of what I consider my true self. And as earnestly honest as I attempt to be, it’s not the real thing. And if you want to get to know me, this space where I tap into my brain, spigot some juices, and then twirl the tap closed, is not always everything that I am. Nor should it be. I have to remind myself of this as well, more often than not.
#2. Self censorship for protection of privacy & livelihood. Being voted most stalkable 2002 for the anti-bloggies is, to some degree, a snarky flattering compliment. On the other hand, well, who want’s to put themselves in a position of real life vulnerability. Could I put my job in jeopardy? My career? My security? My reputation? Perhaps I’m overthinking this with just a touch of paranoia, but I rather like being better known (though often equally infamous) and liked for my real life interactions with folks than my online diva persona and adventures. Could I cause concern for my family? Possibly. For the grace of God, my father isn’t online. My brother is too busy to read here though in the past he’s asked me to kindly refrain from writing about sex. Since I haven’t had any in a while, my discussions go mostly into jestfilled nuances and plays on the self-loving bohm chika bow bow bent. Truly, there ain’t much to talk about and even if there were, I don’t kiss, or anything else, and tell. Usually.
#3. This blog sucks for my dating life. No fair if a guy I’m interested in finds out I’m a freak and neurotic before I get to at least go on a date and write them off first as being so square that they’re cubic. That just ain’t right. I should at least get a nice dinner out of it first, right? (only half joking).
#4. Personal psychological boundaries. I’m in love with my website. Some would say that this is a projection of utter narcissism and I’m really in love with myself. They might be right. Either way, I don’t deny that I define myself as lazy, vain, self absorbed, and (charmingly) neurotic. The question, now, is whether this site has made me more so than I used to be. A function of either finally growing into my skin (which I would have done anyways as I have grown older) or because I’ve gotten addicted to the response and interactivity that this site gives me, an audience if you will, that I’ve become more driven by the attention than I am at furthering my goals in personal self actualization which was the primary exercise in having this site. I used to be more introverted. Believe it or not, moppets, I used to be incredibly shy. I still am sometimes, but it depends on my vibe and the settings. Now I’m extroverted on all fronts, both offline and on. I’m still not sure but I’m genuinely concerned by this. I do not want to be a fame ho. I do not want to be an attention ho. I don’t want to live my life for the amusement of others. I want to live my life for me. Just me. And to use this site as a documentation in my pursuit of becoming a better person than I was yesterday. That was the original thinking behind this site and I’ve stepped rather far away from it of late.
I’ve been very disturbed by the fact that I’ve had to question my own character over the last few weeks. Have I become so petty? So puerile? So downright childish? Wasn’t that totally counter to my personal predicts to try and always be a good person? It is my desire to be more than an ok person. More than mediocre. But to always consider my thoughts, words, and deeds with greater care so that beyond being a decent person, that I could be an honorable person. I hope to gawd that I never become an individual worthy of a Jerry Springer jello hot tub wrestling match. But that’s something I would have neenered at yesterday or the day before. For shame. I should know better, right?
So with that, I’m taking a few days off to get my priorities and my life in order. In addition to the physical summer cleaning that I’ve done with my room, paper work, closet, hard drive etc… I’m giving my brain an oil change & tuneup. I am overdue.
Thanks for reading. I’ll be back soon, but I just have to sort a few things out first.