Yo
Hey, I’m back & alive. FTP issues for a day or so and so I apologize if you flipped back here and didn’t find anything new. Work so far is pretty decent. I think the hardest thing for me is resetting my circadian rhythms so that I can sleep before midnight and wake up before dawn like the rest of the working world. Plus I’m slowly digging my heels into completing several of the personal task items on my list.
Other thoughts rocking around in my head?
Ahhh that ol’ relationship thing. And no, it’s not because my Dad called trying to set me up with Dr. Shorty again. Honest. Nor is it because my very good friend who is on the precipice of divorce proceedings sent me a holiday gift of both fantabulous red rhinestone sneakers and a stack of relationship self help tapes. (Oy, that’s not easy to read into)and hmmm maybe…. hmmm …because Bertie has fired me from participating in her dating/flirting rejects blog. Why? Because I get hit on more than a baseball at Giants spring training. Raymond is kind enough to say that I can raise the hairs on a kiwi fruit. Cute, funny, flattering but frankly, it’s not really true and as much as I try to posit myself as some sort of heart breaking diva who live some sort of fabulous life, i’m really more of a reserved and clumsy dolt. One of my friends from church always thinks I’m dating lots and lots of men. Sometimes it’s almost true-ish. *grin* But really, zero out of 500 or zero out of 5. It’s still zero. Just that zero out of 500 feels a lot more pathetic at the end of the day. A rather abysmal batting record for my dating career, no?
Remember when I had dinner with a cute guy and we laughed so hard that he bumped his head into a wine bottle carried by the waitress behind him? Which made me laugh so hard that I spit water across the table? Smoooth.
I think, if anything, I’m just pretty comfortable with who I am, which makes meeting strangers, flirting, and socializing easier. Well sometimes. I’m no prettier than most girls out there. I’m just comfortable with myself, and very honest with my self perception and self worth. I know what I want, what I’ll put up with, and what I won’t. Ergo, I don’t waste my time too often bemoaning a situation that is heavily of my own construction. If I’m having more fun as a singleton and managing my own schedule, flirting freely & fearlessly, and not treading carelessly on the meditations of my heart or of another person’s, then it’s better than compromising my lifestyle and principles, character, & schedule, for substandard results.
I just wish that I didn’t give off the impression of being intimidating which I’ve been told more often than I care to disclose. I also wish that when I’m in social circumstances, that I wouldn’t auto-flip into uber-power-fantastique-superdiva mode which cares more about being fabuloustess to a billion folks than being really really really cool to just one.
I’ve been telling Ernie that maybe we would have better luck if we didn’t morph into anime characters/cartoons when meeting new folks. If maybe, we could just hold.back. just enough to have a really good one-on-one conversation with a nice person and not trip out and meandering into being the hystrionic freakshow. *Shrug* Which is why I know I’m a great party hostess fabuloustess but far more uncomfortable and antsy when one on one with someone who I haven’t already reached a certain level of comfort and disclosure with. One on one conversations with new people scare me. Especially if I’m actually attracted to them. I hold my own much better when I’m ambivalent or juggling dates with other boys (which reminds me, of something I’ll be doing after the Beer Train on Sat.).
My friend, the absolutely lovable and irrepressibly horny Theological Librarian (yeah, have a fantasy there or two would ja) recognized her love nearly immediately. They were engaged in little over a month and prayer on both sides had a significant affect on their hearts. That and serious libidos. They were married last year. They have a delovely daughter now. I have other happily married friends who express very similar stories which I delight in,and swoon in romantic rapture, but have so little grasp of in terms of genuine understanding & calm, or empathy regarding their experiences because it seems so foreign to me. I’ve always been more comfortable as a singleton than whenever I was in a right proper lower case l and small r- relationship. To be honest, I haven’t ever experienced the capital L. I’m rather frightened of it, I confess. It could right well shatter me and having gone through shivvery and brutal experiences enough on my own, I’d rather keep myself far away from such incidences. I can manage the tremors of my own heart beat. And only barely that.
I’m envious of folks who are in love, who are comfortable, and have someone grand & lovely to be intimate with on an emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical level. Trust me, there is no greater green eyed monster. And were love (that marvelous capital L type of luciousness which is so precious & rare) to knock on my door, I would not create for myself a baricade. I think. I’m just afraid sometimes, that I’m too impatient with waiting by the door. Or perhaps it’s come by to knock and I haven’t been home.
Still, I trust that when it’s right, it’s going to be very *right* for me. And in the meantime, I’d best work on just being a capital L Lovable person for my very own good.
Min Jung
Psssstttt: You know who’s got lovely shy eyes now?
Too tired to think or to dream anymore right now, me thinks. Gnight.
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