Memories…from the corners of my mind
OY veh.
So I’m finally cleaning through reading non essential mail and come across my high school newsletter. The class updates are full of wedding announcements and birth announcements. The announcements, 2 full pages of them, are all some variation of this
“Molly **** ‘92 is expecting a baby with her husband Boyd *** . This is their second child. Their first was premature because we all know that they didn’t have pre-marital sex. They live in Bloomfield, MI,”
“Sally **** ‘88 married Jeff *** in September 2001. She is a an elementary school teacher who lives about 2 miles away from her parents and still has no personality.”
Maybe it’s because I’m not married, nor popping out kids, but I find this annoying. (as if you couldn’t tell). Haven’t people done anything more interesting than get married & pop out kids. Gracious, my parents didn’t make me suffer through nuns & kilts so that I could be like these women who have just become high class Catholic breeders (based on the little news given in the newsletter). Please tell me there is something more interesting. Tell me about the woman who has is doing cancer research or who has acquired her Ph.D. in nuclear physics. Tell me about the alumna who’s been on an Olympic team. Tell me about the alumna who is on a stripper in Vegas. Tell me something *interesting*.
My 10 year anniversary is forthcoming and I’ve had fantasies about bringing Davezilla & Philo there as my faux boy toys…explaining in all scandalous fabulousity that I met them at a porn convention in Vegas. I’d be dressed in red and the boys would look spicy in black leather pants & collars. Wouldn’t that be rad? Either that or show up ragingly drunk and kiss the student class president square on the lips. Or just *something* to make the reunion intriguing for once. I dunno. I just have a feeling the reunion will be a drag except for the satire aspect of it. No wonder I hated highschool while I was there. Well, there are innumerable reasons for why I hated highschool, really.
I would delight in forwarding off an announcement that would be published in the next quarterly newsletter that would say to this effect.
“Min Jung Kim, Alumni Class of ‘92, whom you might remember as Julia Kim, the mousy academic Asian, is now an embittered and extremely vocal lesbian in the feminist militia where she has recently been promoted to Big C*nt of the 3rd rank, an honor distinguished by a puce gherkin. She has an active and successful career as a sex therapist and has published several books including “Chicks don’t sin unless they’re good at it”, “Batteries are *not* necessary”, and the acclaimed “If God wanted us to be virgins, then why’d he make me wet at 15.” She plans never to move back to Michigan and to promptly throw rocks at anything in a kilt that might advance towards her. “
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