01/10/02
Starting off the year on the right foot: This involves, not being sick. Nor having a spill of medicines & various items across your floor, Nor having financial papers stacked haphazardly in a gap bag Or a sticky bowl from last night’s ice cream binge on the desk.
Alas, some minor things I have to work on still. Yesterday I did a massive room cleaning purge. I threw out old shoes, magazines from 2000 & 2001, pens that have died, slips of papers with the numbers of people that I care not to keep in contact with, washing my sheets, pillows, and blankets, airing out the room, and ironing shirts & slacks for “ya never know”. I usually reorganize furniture in my room too and this year was no different. Granted, not much moved, but enough to make me feel a little better.
My room now smells only like *me* and lavender. And that’s kind of the way I like it. I burned a stick of cherry blossom incense in here as well, yesterday, to purge some of the negativity & sour luck that has kept me back from my possibilities last year. My lameness, cowardice, laziness, etc. Any other qualities that make me human but that I struggle against regularly. I feel like I’m always fighting against entropy, the ever growing randomness of the universe, both on my desk, in my head, and my path towards which I hope is a higher level of emotional, psychologicaly, and spiritual actualization. (The physical part involves me doing more situps but let me do one step at a time, yo).
And yeah, I know some of that sounds like half-assed bullshit but it’s true. And it’s a way for me to mentally clear my head. Kind of like drinking lots of hot lemon water until you’re ready to evacuate all the toxins in your system.
You do what you gotta do, ya know?
I even de-fragged my computer while I putzed around and organized my sock & underwear drawer. The little things that make you feel better. Throwing out tonsof trash, balancing your check book, answering emails (finally) and putting together your master to do list which involves fleshing out minor to do lists in various categories.
Clearing your head.
Creating order.
Removing rubish.
Excorcising minor demons that behave more like mosquitos than monsters but definitely hold you back regardless.
This is my new years ritual, completed every January.
I had a long visit with my gorgeous godson Oliver and his lovely mother HJ. While chatting with HJ, I confessed to her “I wonder if I’m ever going to feel like an adult. I mean, I’m going to be 28 this April, but bejebus…have I moved ahead much?” HJ flashed back at me “Are you *kidding?*” while Oliver gurgled, yammered, babbled, sang, and scuttled about as most 19 month olds are prone to do.
Actually, I wasn’t. I’m just wondering when I’m going to feel like I’m actually doing something *right* for my age instead of 20 steps behind the hipsters & brilliant young things that are 3-5 years my junior.
Were I 24 again I think I’d be more resiliant than I am now, more energetic, optimistic, and employable in this market. Then again, at 24 I recall that I was an insecure wreck of a woman who couldn’t stand her ground being in the same room as the awful exfactor.
Now a days I can look him in the eye, think to myself, “My gawd, I am so glad I didn’t waste any more time or emotional bandwidth on you,” and sashay-off confident that I’m still higher on the bootilicious-meter than he ever was. And that sounds fairly cocky and arrogant, I know, but you should see his ass and hairline these days, no really.
What the hell was I thinking.
Oh yeah, I was thinking that I was a young, insecure, nervous young thing, easily swayed by the opinions and advice of others that *seemed* more impressive due to age, profession, and apparent social carriage.
Little did I know how much bull shit that all was.
Little did I know that being with someone toxic for you was worse than being alone.
Little did I know that there was a little seed of fabulousity in me that I only had to water.
Little did I know, that my immature perspective back then could be interpreted as foolish snobbery now, being easily swayed by the superficial trappings worn like nipple piercings at a pride rally (no offence to anyone), or that gorgeous qualities like integrity, character, honor, loyalty, and love didn’t just automatically come upon a person with age.
Little did I know that years did not necessarily equal experience, nor maturity, nor that the lack of years meant that you couldn’t have those gorgeous qualities either.
Little did I know that I was worth diamonds inside and out and had every right to shine shine shine and not feel ashamed for it.
Little did I know that people who dabbled in drugs were not necessarily fiends.
Little did I know that fiends could wear crucifixes.
Little did I know the slippery and crucial difference between having fun and being happy.
Little did I know that people who loved you too quickly were desperate for love themselves.
Little did I know that I, like everyone, wanted to be loved inspite of myself.
Little did I know that being 24 at the time wasn’t so bad and that I should enjoy it.
I could go on but I won’t bore you.
And yeah, so maybe on the outside, I haven’t appeared to move as much as I thought.
But I know more than just a little now, and I guess being 27 (going on 28) ain’t so bad after all.
Min Jung