European Adventure!
10/24/01 - Happy Sunshiney Day
Ok Folks, when did my life become an Alanis song.
I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
Yup. Still haven’t found a job yet. No temp work yet. *Sigh*.
But I’ve been given good reminders that I’m still loved and that I write well.Got anything? Editorial internship? Writing gigs? Marketing coordination stuff? Press releases? Administrative stuff? Whatever, for gawsh sake, hire me.
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed
I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby
I’m still not sure what the future portends for me but I still rely on my faith in God and what is supposed to happen will happen and I’ll be just fine in the meantime. I’ve got possibilities, between eating balut in vancouver to goign to Korea and teaching English. Anything’s possible. It’s just a matter of staying positive. And yeah, I’m a bit out of my slump these days. I cleaned up my room, watered my long waiting japanese maple bonzai seedlets put the baby bamboo plants ont he window ledge in little tea cups, anchored with smooth pebbles, etc. It’s nice to know that there is a little something living in your bedroom.
What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be fine fine fine
Cuz I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
My friends are really good to me. They give me calls to remind me that I’m loved and that I’m capable and strong.
And yeah, that everything’s going to be fine fine fine.
I feel drunk but I’m sober
I’m young and I’m underpaid
I’m tired but I’m working, yeah
My brain’s felt a little freezer burned lately. Not feeling creatively motivated and stuck, looping. I think it’s thawed out a little bit now. I joke around and say hey, at least I have my looks and my health, right? Yeah… that’s a good thing considering I can’t afford health insurance these days.
Just like anyone & everyone that has a pretty large emotional reservoir, I have these cycles of extreme emotional entrenchment. Whether it’s joy, depression, anger, etc. I wouldn’t necessarily call it moodiness and I definitely wouldnt’ consider my moods a direct reflection on the condition of my uterus, but hey, the emotions in me tend to be… well, rather grand.
I remember being 13 and the smallest, shortest, most physically immature among my peers. I wouldn’t get my first period until I was 17. I wouldn’t need a bra until… well maybe last week. (Still an 35 A minus…sad huh?) My first serious bout of depression came that year when my elementery school friends rejected me completely. They had conspired to reject me, leave me out of their lunch room table, parties, everything. As if it weren’t hard enough for me to always feel so different. I never invited friends home becuase I was scared of their reaction to the smells of kim chi from our kitchen, or how we never sat on the couch but ripped off the cushions to sit on the floor, or the garden with rows and rows of chili peppers. Or worse, if my mother’s lady friends would be over and they’d walk behind our yard in the park, with wide straw hats, motley shirts & pants with the cuff wrapped up to their ankles. They’d have sharp dirty knives with them as they went out to collect wild dandelion greens. These things shamed me and I’d feel so alien to myself and to everyone else I knew. That was the first time my brain felt freeze-dried.
I couldn’t process my emotions so I just stopped thinking. Feeling. Talking.
I cocooned myself utterly. And yeah, I’ve been doing that again lately, not responding to emails, staying off of IM, ignoring the phone, etc. It happens but sooner or later, the brain demands some sunshine, thaws and oftens up a little around the edges, and the heart and hands want to be touched again. Just a tender little stroke down the middle of the palm of your hand. That little thing that reminds you that everything’s going to be fine fine fine.
I care but I’m restless
I’m here but I’m really gone
I’m wrong and I’m sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite alright
My friend works for the Americorp and has been asking me for some time to volunteer as an English tutor. I’d love to and I do care. But it seems unreasonable to do something like that when i am uneasy how the next month’s rent is going to get paid. I dont’ know what my schedule is going to look like from one week to the next, will I get temp work? Hmm maybe, or not. You just gotta keep plugging away and trying.
To my family, for being so stubborn and not wanting to move home and admit defeat, I’m sorry, but I still dont’ consider me wrong. I’ll stick it out here and eat ramen rather than walk home with my tail between my legs. The feelign I get is sort of like when I was 5 and rand away from home. I had packed some food, a doll, my red blanket, and of all things, a heating pad. When it got dark enough for me to be scared to come home, my brother immediately unpacked my bag, throwing my things carelessly to the floor. Then started laughing at me because I’d packed an electrical heating pad.
“Where were you going to plug it in?”
“I would hide in people’s backyards and plug it in their wall socket outside”
“You’re dumb.”
“You’re stinky.”
And yeah… 20 years later, our arguments could probably be distilled down to those basic components again.I was a loopy thinking kind of kid. Considering how many times I jumped off of high things with umbrellas, I never really acquired flight but never broke any bones either.
Cuz I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
What it all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet
Cuz I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
Yeah, I’m still smoking. Don’;t nag.
I’m still figuring out other stuff right now and I don’t need the smoking guilt to make me feel worse.
Scram.
I’m free but I’m focused
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m hard but I’m friendly baby
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chicken shit
I’m sick but I’m pretty baby
What it all boils down to
Is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet
Cuz I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything’s just fine fine fine
Cuz I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab
Yeah.
Last year’s archives have been removed. I’ve never thought I’d keep up this site for that long.
Honestly. And though I still have archives for myself, it still hurt to have to pull down all those pages from the last year or so. As GG & I were emailign each other about it, it’s a shame when a few ugly people make it hard to still be human online.
Min Jung
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