Hurray!
03/21/01
Weeee! < --Last night's brevity... aw come on, I don't kiss & tell.. (*DOH ---*giggle* )
Um, so if I make up for it with a novel tonight will you people leave me alone?
Wow, what a week. It’s only wednsday. F*ck.
Ok, let’s round up first.
Of my lenten sacrifices, the only one I’ve been able to stick to is not using the middle finger.
I get a few chuckles from my coworkers & friends when they say something totally smart ass at me and I point a pinky or pointer finger at them and say “Damn. Gave up the other finger for lent.”
Wabbit is in town, exhausted & sometimes exhausting, but she’s sweet and makes up for it with chocolate covered expresso beans. *Shrug* I’m easy.
Never heard back for the Matrix II thingie. Checked out how my mug shots turned out. Oooo ok. Yeah, I can see why I haven’t gotten any calls back.
Today, was a day I’d consider a potpourri of everyflavor beans.
Good, Not so Good, Ugly, Pretty, Bad, Better, God.
Good
Had pleasant evening out & about with HL last night.
We had dinner at one of my favorite places and though completely non intentional, it sort of felt like a date.
After dinner we toured around, hitting Treasure Island, climbing swiftly like Ninja (ok, just me cuz he’s a chicken shit) around Coit Tower, racing down Lombard street, passing by the nightlit palace of fine arts & then him giving me a nice little kiss at the end of the evening. Ergo, weeeeee!. The last proper kiss I’d gotten was New Years and yeah, he gave me that one too. No big deal, nice kissing, probably won’t go anywhere since he’s in NYC and only visiting, but it was, well, very nice to just feel like I was out on a proper type of date. So um, yeah. Weeee.
Not so Good
The transition of my car started choking, putzing, & lurching quite noticably as we drove about in the city.
Very not good. Nearly 5 years old, my car, and with nearly 100K miles. A product of living in Northern California and having traveled ovelry muchly to LA during my first year out here in California.
Ugly
No makeup today except lipstick. Overslept after my night out. I carpooled in to work today and noticed that my roots were deplorable, my hair is a bit dull from a series of dye jobs as well. The ends were all scratched up crazy.
Pretty
1 Hour 10 minutes. Deep conditioning, hairtrim, and a good blow dry. That and fun conversations about Prince Albert (piercings & mythology) and Jindo dogs with my new hairstylist. Gay. The best ones always are, it seems. When I told him I’d self selected myself out of the gene pool he told me he could set me up with a lovely gal he knew. “Um, no, that’ s not what I meant. I’m just too attached to my non existent ideal man. Blah blah blah.” We all know that if I were a lesbian who I’d *really* go for, eh? *wink* Grabbed salad in two minutes, ate at my desk, & then rewrote additional documents. Ya know, I really felt like I was on roll for a while. Silly me.
Very
very very
very very very very not good.
also known as
Bad.
This sucks. A situation where I feel, again, like I was spiraling downwards, helpless and voiceless, and having an impossible task of trying to stay above water and not get flushed down. I’m not a piece of shit. I don’t like feeling like one. I don’t like feeling like I’m getting treated like one. I don’t like not being appreciated for what I do and then not being able to fight back about it, not being really listened to when I do. That impotent feeling is the most soul twisting and painful, vulnerable part of myself that I do so very much hate. I like being in control, aware, knowledgeable, reliable, recognized for what I do and valued for that which I do and try my best to. And yes, I have tried my best to turn things around. I don’t like conflict. And I admit my hubris gets the best of me sometimes, but gah. This is way so very not good. I like when people’s perception of me matches my contributions. I am *more* than willing to recognize my own faults and I do try to work on them. I am my own worst critic but I am fair. I hate feeling demotivated, dismissed, and discredited. I hate feeling like I’m forced to fight a losing battle and all I have with me is a toothpick for a spear and a wet kleenex for armor. Have you ever felt both taut and brittle at the same time?
Better
Scooted home in time to grab car & grind it over to the Saturn facility. 2 minutes before they closed. No seriously.
Sometimes Saturn totally lives up to those cheesy commercials. I got a shuttle ride home and a hug from the driver, this really kind guy that probably drives his kids to soccer practice in the Saturn wagon. Totally needed that in an embarrassingly emotionally raw way. Wabbit offered advice as well. MUST. RESIST. CHOCOLATE.
I got talked into heading back into SF to go to Murrays, a cigar bar so it seems, though I recall it much more as a venue for Element parties. Some where, some guy has video footage of me dancing on a chair & table from my most vivid memory there. I was sober. No really.
Anyways, cigars, scotch, port, & somehow meeting & flirting with cute French/Portuguese man named Philippe, in from, of goodness awful places, the deep sawth. What’s a French yummy like that doing down there with whole bunch of corn hicks. Kidding! Kidding! He gave me some cool tips regarding wines from Bordeaux & Moreaux. Coolio. He asked for my card too. Hot diggidy. (YES YES I KNOW HOW THAT TOTALLY GOES AGAINST ALL MY PRECONDITIONED WIRING & OTHER CRAP IN MY BRAIN TOO) Too wierd. Brain in conflict. That and the fact that this all occurred in front of my two guy friends that I was with.
And yes, I know how totally incorrigable I am. I’m just giddy over the fact that *I can* pick up a hot little French man if I wanted to.
Hot diggidy dog diggidy skoo waka waka wammeroo.
God
Tomorrow I see my spiritual director who’ll likely kick my butt because I’m still not reading *this book* yet.
While reading the forward (to assuage my guilt) during one of those server drops (damn rolling power outage)
I read the following words
Of God
“He has never revealed Himself except in term sof love. God cannot love but totally, 100%. He cannot love me
with anything less of love than that which He loves His own Son. I cannot lose the love of God becauseit is not
based on any achievement of mine. I don’t have to save myself, He will do it.”
Of Man
“The love, the acceptance of other persons makes me into the unique person I am meant to be… when I am not
accepted I cannot come to fulfillment.Not to accept anything from a person is tantamount to killing him, makign
him sterile. He can’t do anything.”
Werd. Tomorrow’s another day right?
Oh the sun’ll come out.
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