Love
01/30/01
Love makes life worth living, doesn’t it?
Gah,
I can’t even believe how much of a dumpster day today would have been were it not for the laughter and affection shown to me by my friends today. Thank you muchly to the multiple peeps on SurvivorBlog2 who gave me love odes in the last day or so. That really made me smile on a day when I really needed it. They’re posted in whole over to the right. Do go have a read and see what made me smile today in spite of myself. Those are nice new friends to have. For real.
Today, was stressful, still frustrating, and still not feeling like I’m on top of my game at work. I get so frustrated with myself. I know what I’m capable of and for some reason I’m feeling trapped and like I’m falling.. caving into myself and my inadequacies. I don’t know what’s the matter with me but I feel sometimes like I can’t unbury myself from my own blahs. I’m not sick anymore, I don’t think, so I can’t hail that as an excuse.
Addiction to Anxiety
I ran out of the office this afternoon, bought myself a pack of smokes and went to the roof of the galleria there and just smoked and paced, kicking myself mentally. Wondering, when will I feel back at 100%. Hell, I’d be happy if I got past 50% these days. Here’s the thing though, there’s *Nothing* wrong. Nothing, directly affecting me where I should feel so at a muddle with myself. I remember a long time ago, reading Julie of the Wolves.. ya know, that silly book about an Eskimo girl, 13 years old or so, who ran away from her stupid situation to live alone with a pack of wolves. She would say, if you’re nervous, that you’re doing something wrong. Change something until you don’t feel that way anymore. I wish I knew what it was that I could change.
I’d like to believe it’s not the job situation. I like my coworkers a lot though I’m annoyed with the work that I am doing. Sigh, just because it’s stuff that I don�t’ want to do does not mean that I have a right to do a half assed job at it, but apparently that’s the impression I’m giving. And I can’t even help myself. Like seeing a wall miles away from me and continuing o head straight towards it with the knowledge that only smoke & destruction await. Gah. do I really feel like that? Trapped? Not able to learn or grow? I don’t know. Maybe.
Breathe
While pacing around today, rooftop & under clear skies, alone aside from the bum on the opposite corner of my little urban oasis of a rooftop park, I came to an irrational conclusion. And yes I know how irrational it is. By the end of this year I should either have plans to go to business school or I’ll quit my job and try my hand at freelance writing. Gah, could I really do that? I don’t know. I really don’t know. I guess I’m grasping at straws. Feeling penned in. Feeling suffocated but I don’t know by what or how.
At this point, I feel like I need to throw bricks against the glass walls around me and see if one of them breaks through, so that I can breathe and find out what is waiting for me. I have to change something and for once it won’t be my hair color. I’ve already abused my poor head of hair too much this past year.
What could it be that I need to do to change my situation. In the meantime, all I know is that my life these days are in the office, the hug I get from my housemate Jon after I come home, and on pixels & clicks of the keyboard here at home, in angsty ballads by Silverchair or angry chick rock by Veruca Salt. God, where are you in my life these days? What next, do you want of me. Where am I moving that is against your will which is why I feel so much unresolved tension in my life right now? That’s my confused prayer right now.
Honestly, I have no clue.
Bah, nyars, blar, and purflebumkins.
And then there is the looming thought somewhere out there of boys/men in my life. For now, I maintain my detachment from the whole species.
Bah & purflebumpkins. Bah.
Min Jung
From Benjy
Min Jung -
I look at the monitor, hoping, waiting - and out of every haze and mist and post eaten by blogger your darling precious words are hurrying to me from luscious lips - Without you, dearest dearest I couldn’t see or hear or feel or think - or live - I love you so and I’m never in all our lives going to let us be apart another night.
It’s like begging for mercy of a storm or killing beauty or growing old, without you. I want to kiss you so - those lips in the peanut gallery pic - I love you - and I can’t tell you how much. I think that I’ll die without your knowing - dearest, you’ve got to try to feel how much I do - how inanimate I am when you don’t post all day.
I try to read other weblogs, but I can’t even hate these damnable people - Nobodys got any right to live but us - and they’re cluttering my bookmarks when truly I only have eyes for you.
I want you so - Come Quick - Come Quick to me - I could never do without you if you hated me, even if you never posted another brilliant link again - I still would want you I know -
Lover, lover darling, –Benjy
From Peter
MJ,
This one sorta just spoke to me… it sounds a bit unrehearsed, but that’s just because the emotions were flowing so fast that I hardly had time to write down the words before I played the song. When I get my acoustic guitar back I�ll do better version of all of these songs in MP3; right now they’re more like demos…
I wanna watch you move
I wanna watch you groove
I’m coming down to Texas next month
To sleep in your room
I know you’re sweet
’specially standing next to me
I’d like to lick you up and down
But I know you don’t get around anymore
Won’t you be my revirginized honey!
Sweeter than the bees’!
I’d love to see you here with me
I’d love to hear your voice
But I�m stuck here in Philly
I don’t even have a choice
And I know that you’re sweet
’specially when you’re looking at me
I’d love to kiss you up and down
But I know you don’t get around anymore
You should be my revirginized honey!
Sweeter than the bees’! Yeah!
From Erik
min Jung,
I�m not even sure what I can say. I�ve kept quiet this long, holding back my words, holding my breath. but we both knew that the silence couldn’t last forever. one of us would have to say it first.
how could I forget that day. the day I first saw SBlog 1. it’s a little like your first day of class… you look around, see who in the room has possibilities. “okay, yeah, I think there might be one or two here…”
but then, there you were. sitting there, in the line of contestants, but also somehow rising out of the screen. I knew that I must step away. I knew that I must stay away. this was dangerous.
but of course, the separation could not last. finally, our fates were entwined in SBlog 2. only that thin, narrow wall between the bloggers and the peanuts was left to shield me. maybe… if… I… just… turn away…
but I cannot. this is about more than just lips. more than just that leather outfit. more than just the tattoo. more, even, than just that tattoo bouncing around.
it’s that magnetism. you know it; you’ve felt it. and there’s simply nothing you can do about it. jeebus protect the fair city of austin should I make it to sxsw.
your ~1 flirt,
smolderingly,
erik
.
From Dave
MJ, my love, my nuna. I can’t help but be rueful at our love, the love that was not meant to be. Love, unrequited and shattered. You wanted a Catholic boy, one who could fill you spiritually and mentally, emotionally and physically. 3 out of 4 isn’t bad. But adamant you remained, ankd steadfast you stayed, and here I am left without you, without your beautiful smile and that wonderful moneymaker. I didn’t want to tell you, but you just had to know. Goodbye, my love.
Her eyes were like diamonds
her hair was like silk
Her voice was like music
her skin smooth as milk
She was my laughter, my sorrow
my tears and my song
Life once full is now empty
for now she is gone
And so I’ve grown bitter
decrepit and cold
For she long passed away
while alone I grow old
It’s been 3 IC challenges now
and I’ve yet to find
An equal to me
in both soul and mind
And I thought I was strong
rarely do I cry
But my shield was torn open
by the love that passed by
No Comments Yet