Better
01/28/01
Feeling Better.
Not much more that a girl could ask for. Besides some Soon Dubu Jjigeh. Yeah. Medication I wonder if I could sleep alright tonight without my nocturnal medication of knock off Nyquil. I’ve almost gotten used to the taste. Ick Medication has an odd affect on me. Before I even imbibe it, I’m nauseous, from the smell and site of the pills and bottles. I feel attacked by the cloying potent memories of a sick and dying woman who is no longer the woman who used to kiss my brow goodnight and wish me good dreams.
But I won’t go there again.
Sleep
This past weekend, I’ve slept 32 hours in the past 48. It’s been a deep but unsatisfying type of sleep. Where I still feel weary when I wake and wonder if I shouldn’t just stay there, and try to remember what it was like to feel truly alive much less healthy. There’s that moment after you wake when you feel utterly detached from the world and the noise and people about you in your corner of the world. Alone in your room, you can look up through the window and see a bit of tree and a bit of sky. And that’s all there is in the world. That and some spinning paper sparrows.
Fade Into You
Paper sparrows? On a mobile above my desk. I fail to understand why I still have it and why I shouldn’t shred it, burn it, and throw it out. I just can’t.
Amazing isn’t it? How people from your past can still linger like a scent on your wrist and how people in your present fail to make any impression on you whatsoever. Damn you.
In the world of the living
So, in spite of my poor health and lousy spirits, I stopped by work yesterday for a few hours in the late afternoon. This was after spending some time saying goodbye to a friend’s father. Following that, I then went out to a new years dinner held in China Town. That was actually pretty fun and I felt in better spirits though still really detached from the people there. I sat between D & MN and enjoyed the company of a couple of charming guys. Odd that after so many years, my radar is still hyper sensitive when it comes to B. As soon as he walked in with M, my extra sensory perception picked up a blip and I looked up and there he was. Conveniently saying his greetings to D on my right while casually avoiding looking me in the eye. B and I have an ugly history and it’s good to know that I can at least stomach being in the same room with him when a few years in the past, seeing him would cause a volatile reaction. My feelings for him are not of hate or grief, but of decay.
And then there’s the hoochie
I said my gracious goodbyes to friends at the dinner, and then headed off to Glas Kat for H’s 30th birthday gig. I walked into the club, all dressed in black (from my farewell event earlier in the day) in heels & my hair pinned up. Frankly, I didn’t feel like I looked, nor felt my best L. tells me his friend J upon spotting me walk into the party said “Dayam.. that girl’s looking to do some damage tonight” Puah. Hardly, considering my mental & physical condition, but that was a very nice thing to hear. H looks amazing for 30. Vibrant, lively, happy, and enjoying her single self. She’s lovely and looks like she’s in her prime.
I told her that I wanted to send a picture of her to my father
“Why would you want to do that?”
“Oh to disprove what he usually says
“Joodia, hurry up and find boyfriend, if you 30 and not married, you *dry up* and nobody want yooo”
She laughed and so did I.
Ok, for whatever reason, I think E was shloshed off of her gourd cuz while dancing, and I was ducking this dude who was beinga little too friendly while dancing, I grabbed E to dance with her as a rescue maneuver. She promptly starts freaking me and grabbing my ass :”Oh MJ, you have such a *nice* ass” OMG.
She can get away with this shite since she’s so confidently heterosexual. As a potentially closet bi and Catholic repressed gal, I reacted with a prudish *slap*
Ok, maybe not that *prudish*
Puah ha ha ha.
Peace Out,
Min Jung
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