Epic
12/13/00
Tony says that my writing is less epic than in months past. Perhaps.
I’m a little puzzled by this comment and yet when I look past on my archives, I see his point. Mayhaps I’m more caught up in my daily rants and less so on my inner workings. Will I slip into insignificant rants… blips of thoughts expelled in stacatto exclamations without expressing something trully honest and worthwhile? I hope not. There is actually much on my mind today but I’m trying not to swoon with pleasure at the lovely guy I got to spend some brief time with this evening.
He’s…handsome. Charming… a little short for my tastes but certainly Korean and Catholic. He makes me smile and brings a lightness to my heart and I feel open again, not cracked and brittle like I have in the past. He smiles at me, wtih utter joy and it’s a delight to be touched gently on my face by him. When I watch him looking at me, I don’t even blush in self conscious awareness of my body but I do feel a grin steal accross my face when he stares intently into my eyes… and into my heart which he chooses to look thoroughly and carefully at. He’s beautiful. Utterly. And with all my heart, I really love him.
Bummer. He’s only 6 months old. Yup, drove down, fought traffic, and spent some delightful quality time with my godson. After putting the critter to bed, HJ & I had a long and leisurely dinner, catching up on life, dreams, the latest gossip, and the joy we have in each other’s company. I said a prayer of true thanks for them in my life and the joy that I have in knowing them. HJ rocks. She want’s to take the critter and hubby on a safari one of these days.
My dream life has been so active lately hasn’t it? Almost overwhelmingly so. Not as haunting as “Eyes Of A Blue Dog” - a beautiful short story by Gabriel Garcia Marquez about lovers who only know each other and recognize each other in a dream world but cannot locate each other in the world that we consider “Awake.” In drowsy mercurial candlelight, they whisper with an anxious desperation of love, before sunlight breaks into the room and summons one away, before a servant can drop a piece of silverware and the clatter can shatter their sphere of sanctity, they choose the code phrase ” Eyes of A Blue Dog” so that they can identify each other in the world of the “Awake.”
Reading up on other people who are struggling with family struggles, I’m brought to mind a lot of extremely potent memories regarding my mother’s own fight with cancer, her surender to it, and her eventual defeat. I wept in familiarity as I read their struggles, their pain, their prayers. It seems long ago, 8 years now… but sometimes it still feels very close and it doesn’t take much to make me raw with the memory again.
I take after my mom in a lot of ways. I’m glad for it. And I can sometimes feel her watching over me, scolding me, kissing my hands, and forehead as she plucks the worries of the day from me and kisses my perpetually furrowed brow. Sweet dreams, mommy would say to me as she tucked me in and kissed my forehead. Have sweet dreams.
Min Jung
Devoted and Beloved Yung Sook Kim
11/22/1950-06/06/1992
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